50 Flavors of Floor

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This week has been one for the books people! It’s not over yet, but damn I think I need a time out. For those who are having a great week, I am not liking you right now.

I have let everything go while I have been plodding away on all this homework. My house is a disaster, but my floors are delicious. I guaran-damn-tee you that my floors are the tastiest in the neighborhood. No, it does not in any way matter that there are only four families in my neighborhood. Mine are the most delicious!

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If you have a toddler, you too could have delicious floors…or maybe you already do. This weeks floor flavors are as follows:

Kitchen between the sink and refrigerator – Coffee with a hint of hazelnut creamer

Kitchen near the back porch door – Popcorn

Right in the arch between the dining room and living room – Coconut milkshake

Living room near the chaise lounge part of the couch – Mandarin oranges

Living room rug – Hot dog and mixed fruit cup

My bedroom rug – Tortilla chips (dip not included)

These are the flavors I remember and have witnessed being applied to the flooring. There may be some surprise flavors! You could literally crawl around the house and taste the variety of my delicious floors. My house is like Baskin Robbins sans ice cream. Fifty flavors of floor.

I may quarantine off sections of the floor and label them according to flavor. This way everyone can enjoy the floors. Something like this, with a “menu” of the area.

That’s right, it’s getting classy now! Have to have menus, but no napkins will be provided! Maybe I’ll make a little floor schematic like they have at IKEA which labels the floor flavors as you pass each zone! If I do I will update this posting and show y’all.

 

 

Gender Fluid

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I keep seeing fun things online today! One of them was gender fluid. Which completely boggled my mind, and not due to the definition of this term. The definition of gender fluid per Urban Dictionary-

Gender Fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days.Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation.
No, I’m not a boy, and I’m not a girl either. I am gender fluid.
When I read gender fluid, I immediately want to go to the store and ask for some.
“Excuse me sir, can I please have your largest bottle of gender fluid?”
“Ma’am, you sure can! Would you like male, female, or half-and-half?”
“I will take an extra large skim female, and a small almond half-and-half for my tea. Thank you very much!”
I am 100% sure this shit will make me awesome and will taste delicious. This is not to say I’m hating on anyone who is described as gender fluid, just that this term sparks a liter of drink-able gender fluid to my mind.
I am one of those people that doesn’t see the point in naming all of the genders or sexual orientations. I think we should stop at species and be happy. You are a dog, you are a cat, your are a human. Good now y’all go do appropriate things for your species. The dog will then go lick itself in a corner, the cat will go terrorize some human, and the human will walk around talking about how bored they are. BAM, classifications done! I see no difference from one person to the next outside of personality. So this leads to a sub category of asshole and non asshole. Look we have just categorized every human, easy peasy.
“Sir can I change my order please?”
“Yes ma’am, what can I do for you?”
“I would like to make that an extra large skim non-asshole female, and a small almond dash of asshole half-and-half please.”
“Ma’am are you sure you want the dash of asshole in that half-and-half?”
“Yes sir, I have to deal with [ Insert coworkers, people, or children here] all day so I am going to need a small dash of asshole in my tea to make it through the day.”
“Yes, ma’am I completely understand and like a bit of asshole in my own coffee each morning.”
I know at least one person who reads this will be offended, but ya know, it’s that dash of asshole. I think when I ask for this at the store I will also ask for some blinker fluid for my eyes!
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Per Urban Dictionary –
Blinker Fluid is an imaginary liquid used in automobiles (to make the blinkers work). This term is used as a sarcastic remark toward someone who knows absolutely nothing about cars.
Bob: “My car’s broken again. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
Jon: “Did you check the blinker fluid?”

Missing Funny

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Dear Readers,

I am in dire need of your assistance. My Funny is missing. I last saw it a couple of days ago prior to bed time. I had fed it, cuddled it, and tucked it into bed with me. The next morning when I woke up it was no where to be found.

I am truly lost, defeated, tired, and a bit stabby without my Funny. It helps me to be witty, have inappropriate comebacks, and to make my life more bearable. I am not sure if it has been kidnapped or if it ran off and left me for a better human. I have not received a ransom note so I am thinking it was not, in fact, kidnapped.

This is where I imagine my Funny would go…

I have checked the couch, the bed, the refrigerator, the back porch, the bathroom, and the bottom of several bottles of World’s Best Damned Root Beer. To no avail. Those bottles only had Cleany, Organizey, and Tiredy in the bottoms which were not at all helpful. All they wanted to do was clean and sleep instead of helping me to search for Funny. I am thinking it’s not here in the house at all.

I know I don’t appreciate my Funny often enough until it has gone missing. Sometimes for hours and other times for weeks. This periodic missing-ness does wonders for our relationship when Funny does come home, but I am about hopeless without it.

Right now while I’m sitting here writing this Funny is probably out having a party with the other missing funny’s, having cocktails and telling stories about the hysterical things they did when they were at home. Living it up, probably snorting some illegal drugs while discussing how long they will be gone. You live it up Funny, cause once you come home we are going to have a long talk about our relationship and how inappropriate it is for you to leave without even leaving me a damned note!

Now, if any of y’all come across my Funny at the local bar or making prank calls to your homes, you go ahead and send it home. It is not allowed to continually have fun without me, dammit! We belong together like cheese and mayo, shrimp and cocktail sauce, cucumber and martini’s, you get the picture.

So if any of you see or hear from my missing Funny, please send it home. I miss my Funny something awful. Thanks for your help in bringing funny home.

 

 

Cochlear Implants and Glow Boobs

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http://geekologie.com/2013/03/electroluminescent-wire-light-up-neck-ti.php

No that picture is not of me!!! But I may actually need this bra! Just an FYI.

So I went to see my primary care guy. Captain Anonymous. He really is a Captain, but Anonymous is not his last name. I had to get a physical for school. So, any who, they give me this sheet to fill out for why I’m there and allergies and shit. One section asks about surgeries and hospitalizations. So of course I put my BA on there.

Now look people, don’t judge. I had it done to cover up some chest wall deformities in lieu of having my sternum and ribs torn apart with garden tools. Yes, that’s right, garden tools. They would cut my chest bones into little bits and wire me back together. Which totally didn’t sound appealing with a 6-12 month recovery time. So I opted for the 3 day recovery. So, when I say my boobs came with the package, I truly mean they were a package deal. Kinda like a two for one, BOGO boobs.

So I get taken back and run through all the formalities with the technician of all my signs/symptoms and shit and then he leaves to get the Captain. A few minutes later this young tech comes back in to ask me what a BA is, so I inform him it’s a breast augmentation, to which he smiles, looks a bit embarrassed, and proceeds to look at my boobs. Cute little guy that he is I had to laugh.

When Captain A comes in I let him know if he was fooling with the tech he did a mighty fine job. He just smiles and gives me the guilty look. Well played Captain A.

I had been dying to see Captain A because he has a super awesome cochlear implant and let me tell you, I needed more information. I mean who the shit wouldn’t want to know? I told him while he checked me over that he needed to tell me about his neat little device.

You know what, the outer piece is NOT surgically implanted!! Who knew? Instead he has a magnet inside of his head that holds the little outer device on. So he’s kind of like a refrigerator with a decorative magnet! He explained how he lost his hearing and that if I ever wanted to lose my hearing to add a cochlear device to my bucket list. To which I replied “Nah, I’ll add that to the Fuckit List”.  My life literally fits into 2 lists, the bucket list of fun things and the fickit list of not fun things.

He tells me thanks for that little tid bit because now every time he thinks of a bucket list it’s going to be replaced with the fuckit list. You’re welcome Captain A. Since he shared so many fun facts with me I thought it best to share some fun facts of my own. Fair trades and all, ya know?

So I tell him that when you put a flash light to my boobs they glow!! A friend told me about this and I totally thought he was messing with me til I tried it. In essence my boobs refract light instead of absorbing it! How fun is that? It will make for an awesome party trick!

Captain A. suggested that I should get some little LED lights to put in my bra for parties! Fucking brilliance Captain A! My life will never be the same. I am going to get different lights for every holiday. Red and Green glow boobs for Christmas, red and blue glow boobs for July 4, etc. This is going to be awesome!!!! Thank you Captain A!

This whole physical totally made my week. I left in a super excited mood knowing that now I must leave and go buy LED lights STAT! I think I need a glow boob song to go with my trick. Something like the Glow Little Glow Worm song:

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Boobies don’t you wander

Your shine makes us even more of a wonder.

Shine boobies, glimmer, glimmer

Hey there, don’t get dimmer, dimmer.

I don’t have any more batteries in my pocket.

And I can’t plug you into the light socket.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

 

You get the gist. Week has been made!

The Passenger

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Matt says don’t distract the driver!!! 

   
    
   
Not distracting the driver is not my strong suit. I love being the passenger!!!!!

Traumatic Nickname

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This is that moment where you create an account and it wants you to put in secret answers to random questions. You know what I’m talking about. Most of these questions are as follows:

Mothers maiden name

Street you grew up on

First car make/model

Elementary School name

Childhood nickname

That last one always gets me. Uuuummmm, hell no account I’m not telling you what my childhood nickname was. My family is fucking horrible at nicknames, and mine is long and beyond embarrassing. There are not even enough characters for that secret answer box to fit my whole nickname!

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So here it is y’all. I will tell you my super secret childhood nickname that still occasionally haunts me today when some random used-to-be-family member shows up on my FaceBook. “Farnsberry Lunch Bucket Pocket Full of Rye”.

Who the shit does that to a kid? Where the hell did it come from? Who decided that this was an awesome phrase for the likes of me as a small child? I get I was a handful but really? Why couldn’t I get something simple like pumpkin, bug, kitty, or some stripper-ish name like bubbles? I mean what the shit?

So now y’all know my dirty little secret and why I don’t give my kids nicknames. I’m afraid I will traumatize them the way my family did to me!

 

 

I’m Only Human

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Most days I’m a happy humans girl, but I have my bad days too. No one really wants to read a woe-is-me story, but I’m going to tell it anyhow. Please feel free not to read if bad days aren’t your thing. Today is one of those days. Just when you think you have everything figured out, you realize that you never had it figured out in the first place.

Well, Racheal, what brought this shit on? I’ll tell you, I mentioned before how I am going back to school. Well, here soon said school starts in person, instead of on the couch in pj’s. Well, that can’t be that bad. No, actually it’s not. The problem is this, I have kids and my husband will be gone for 8 months of this year.

Anytime life gets even a little bumpy this man bails for a deployment. Asshole! I get into nursing school, BAM, deployment time. Why this happens in this sequence I will never know, but it always does.

What am I going to do if the kids get sick? What am I going to do with the kids during night and/or weekend clinicals? Your guess is as good as mine. I have just realized that this time no one is going to bail me out or help me. Matt will be gone. The baby already goes to school, but he can’t go when he’s sick or on nights and weekends. I have no family here, and only one friend I met recently.

I know I’m ruminating, I know I’m making myself depressed over this. This is how I try to find solutions to the problems. I am secretly hoping this deployment gets cancelled, but don’t tell Matt. I know he is ready to go and get away from the office for awhile. I cannot quit the program since this is my 2nd time getting into nursing school. I’ll tell you about the first time another day. If I throw in the towel this time there will be no more opportunities to go to nursing school. I can’t fuck this up, but I am almost at the notion that I should quit before I begin.

I am not a quitter by any means, I just don’t know how to make it all work, or make it all right. I am not super woman even though sometimes I may look that way to others. I am human and sometimes I fail at making everything work. I either need a wife or a live in friend to help me out. Unfortunately I don’t think I am going to get either of those anytime soon. So, I need to come up with a new plan to get me through these 8 months. It hasn’t started yet, I only have a little bit of time left to figure it out, and hoping my answers come soon.

Thank you for listening. I feel better for getting it all out. Maybe now I can concentrate on forming a plan B, C, D, and E.

 

 

 

Clover

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I know y’all probably thought I was joking about the taxidermied chipmunk and how Matt wouldn’t trap me some in Michigan. So, without further ado, I present you Clove Appleblossom who arrived yesterday!

   
 
I’m a bit special as you can see from the photo Matt took when I opened to box, but it’s proof enough. So there doubters! 

My Mother-in-law is a bit concerned by the fact that I said I was going to love the fur off of her and had to remind me that she’s taxidermied and I might make her skin fall off! Eeeewwww, no, I’m just going to rub her til she has bald patches Mom, like the velveteen rabbit. 

I’m telling you, even if I sound funny or ridiculous it’s probably a true story. 

Leibster, say what?!?!?!

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Leibster

The Liebster Award is a nomination given from one blogger to another new-to-the-scene blogger in recognition of their efforts. The recipient should thank the nominator and link back to their blog. The recipient then responds to their questions, provides 11 random facts about themselves (what the shit?), and last, but not least, that blogger then gets to nominate 5-11 blogs themselves, and pepper their nominees with 11 questions of their own (I like them well seasoned, thank you). Liebster in German means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. Isn’t that sweet?

I was presented with this award/nomination by Lifevivified.com. I am a totally new blogger and really don’t have a lot of bloggy blogger friends (yet). So I really want to say thank you for this nomination. I know Vivienne and I are still getting acquainted but I am sure this is the beginning of something good. This is mainly because she said I was hilarious, I think she’s hilarious, so I am pretty sure we can be BFF’s! Again, Vivienne, thank you for thinking my blog might be worth something and for thinking of me during your “five minutes of fame”.

For those of you reading this don’t get your panties (Linda hates the word panties) in a bunch, I want to be friends with everyone else too but this is about Vivienne nominating me. Now, onto the questions!

How did you get into blogging?

In all seriousness, I started blogging at the recommendation of a friend. After a recent and incredibly absurd bout of mania, I was chatting with one of my super successful friends about what all crazy had ensued. His idea was to write down all of my thoughts and experiences while being manic, so that later I could use my experiences to help others. I got to thinking he might be onto something there, but I had more to say than just when my crazy bitch comes out. So, thus the blogging started.

If you could have one superpower (real or imagined) what would it be and why?

If I could have any super power it would have to be telepathy. I would love to hear the shit people think but don’t actually want to say. You know, those people who actually have filters, unlike myself. Who wouldn’t have a field day with all that mental fodder to entertain themselves?

What are your long-term goals in life?

Nosey bastards! Right now I’m going back to school for my second BS. The first one is in Psychology, this one is in nursing. I plan to be a nurse for a few years and then go back to school for my Nurse anesthetist or other nurse practitioner license. Big dreams, life long dreams, and finally the opportunity to make it a reality.

If you could live within the setting of one television show or movie, what would it be and why? 

I know this is going to be a huge shocker, but I really don’t watch TV. I just don’t have time outside of Disney Junior, so I guess I’ll have to pick from that list and say I would totally live with Miles in Tomorrow land. That could be fun. I mean who wouldn’t want some robot pets and to visit new planets with cool jet pack toys. Yeah, I think that’s what I am going to go with right now. I have a 2 year old, what did you expect?

Same question, but pertaining to the setting of a story or book?

If I could live in a book it would have to be Maria V. Snyder’s  Poison Study/Soulfinder series. Magic, intrigue, spy/assassin’s, danger, I mean who the shit wouldn’t want to live there?

Which of all your own blog posts, is your favorite?

OMG, I would probably have to say “Low Class Fancy” is probably my favorite. I have a tendency to read my own blog daily to see if I still like it, and always seem to get a little sentimental about that one and how Matt won’t let me have goats…

How did you come up with the name for your blog?

The name for my blog is the one line definition of my life. Everything in my head and out of my mouth tends to be some kind of messy ramble. I’m a horrible story and joke teller because I always seem to get derailed and stuck on the details instead of getting to the punchline. This also applies to my ruminations when I’m not medicated.

If you were going to own an exotic pet (in theory only – we know wild animals do not make good pets), what would it be and why?

This is going to be a list and not just one animal. I need shit to snuggle, cuddle, love the fur off of, and to give me kisses. I want a raccoon, some chipmunks, a wallaby, a lemur, a kinkajou, and probably some other shit Matt won’t let me have.

If you could spend a day with one person (real or fictional), who would it be and why?

Okay, so shit’s about to get real here. I apologize if this makes anyone uncomfortable, but I have to be honest. If I could spend a single day with anyone it would be my Dad. My Dad committed suicide a few years back, and I have a shit ton of questions about that. No, this doesn’t cause me pain, please don’t say sorry because it’s not your fault, and condolences are a complete waste of time.

If you won the lottery today, what would you do tomorrow?

If I won the lottery today, tomorrow I would be sitting on my couch doing my homework while my husband paid off all of our bills and bought a big piece of land somewhere. My life in essence would not change, it would just be pretty stress free. I’m not a huge spender but I would totally have to reign Matt in since he likes to spend money. Oh, I would also put a lump sum in an account for bail money since both Matt and my Uncle have both stated they will not bail me out of jail. Which is completely ridiculous since they are supposed to love me enough to bail me out.

What makes you happiest in this world?

Air….I am pretty sure air is my most favorite thing because without it I would die, and so would everyone else. After that is probably my family (Matt and 2 kids). I really don’t think I would be the same person without them. I could make a lot of jokes here, but I’m trying my hardest to be a little serious about things I love.

11 (are you kidding) fun facts about me:

  1. I hate, absolutely loathe, chalk. That shits disgusting and neither of my kids have been allowed to have it.
  2. I don’t do time. Like ever. Time has absolutely zero meaning to me, and I have no clocks in my house outside of Matt and the big kid’s alarm clocks and the ones that come with the appliances because Matt insists that those have to say the correct time.
  3. I have no perception of North, South, East, and West. Unless I am back home, and the beach is to the east. Outside of that please specify by landmarks, right, left, and damnit you passed it!
  4. I am originally from Melbourne, FL about an hour away from Orlando (towards the beach). No I did not get to live in Cinderella’s castle at Disney, they won’t even let you climb up in that shit. Apparently it’s just for decoration.
  5. I have 2 asshole dogs, yep, sure did say that. They are both small dogs. #1 Ted Edward Bear – Grumpy, old, hates kids, barks a lot, asshole. #2 Brenna Joy – No she is not a joy that was shitty naming on my part, 6 lbs of barks a shit ton, separation anxiety and normal anxiety, pees when excited or surprised, asshole. In other words my dogs are like my moods off meds. Brenna is the mania and Bear is the depression (he’s also a little bitey on occasion).
  6. I just ordered my first taxidermy pet, again Matt wouldn’t bring me home a couple live chipmunks from Michigan because he refused to set traps. So instead I got a taxidermy one that should be here tomorrow for me to love and not worry about maintenance.
  7. When I lived in Germany I got bored and opened my own business. This was during an especially manic time. My business was making cloth diapers primarily and little bitty clothes as well. I was actually quite successful but the demand was more than I could handle and eventually, after a death in my family, I had to call it quits. Most of my diapers now live in the UK. Yes, I can sew.
  8. My favorite place in the whole wide world is Scotland. I love every bit of it. I travelled around the majority of the country and even got to stay in a fancy cottage on the Isle of Skye for a week. If you ever get the chance to go, I highly recommend it!
  9. I do not have any childhood or high school friends. I know most people have these, but I really don’t. Before meds friendship was much harder, but thankfully as an adult I do have some friends who have stuck with me for a good number of years and have tolerated all of the highs and lows, but mostly highs.
  10. I am wife #3. Yep, Matt had 2 wives before me. I am lucky number 3. He likes to be married, and apparently I fit the bill. I’m truly not sure why, but he’s a special kinda guy.
  11. I hate dirty ears, I know weird and kinda gross. I am sure my kids have the cleanest ears on the planet. When I meet an adult and wax is falling out of their ears I literally want to ask them to let me clean them. “I know you are an adult, but come here and lay your head on my lap so I can help you hear better”. This is NOT a good opener for a friendship. Some people get very offended by this.

Who would I nominate…I got nothing. Most of my bloggy friends have all gotten this award within the past week, and I would not want to make them have to write all this shit out again! So, I will instead list my favorite blogs and the owner and if they want to do it again they certainly can and say I nominated them.

  1. Halfa1000miles.com – The “shittiest” friend I have ever had (see what I did there?). Just ask her about foot fetishes, panties, and bee vomit. I promise it will be entertaining. She was the very first person to show my blog some love, and adopt me into her blog tribe.
  2. EnderinglyWacko.com – One of the most real ladies I have ever met, not to mention she has gotten me blacklisted on Twitter. She was the first person to be nice to me on twitter and will keep you on your toes with her wit. Her blog is funny, witty, and will tell you what and where to shop for the most ridiculous items.
  3. Bipolaronfire.com – BPOF is like me. She talks about her escapades with bipolar and the impacts it has had on her life. I can truly relate to her in a way only another bipolar can understand. Reading her blog is like AA meetings for me, and reminds me that I was once a different person than I am now.
  4. MumRevised.com – Hilarious. Real world problems, funny, and new perspectives. Kristine even has ways to craft with kale for shit sake. Who wouldn’t want to read that?

If you decide you want to do this hard work again of accepting this award here are my questions to you:

  1. Why do you blog? What does it do for you?
  2. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? Why?
  3. What is your biggest fear?
  4. What is your favorite blog? No, you may not use your own.
  5. What is your hobby/passion?
  6. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?
  7. Why/how did you pick the name for your blog?
  8. What advice would you give to another blogger?
  9. If you could do one thing over in your life what would it be?
  10. What are your goals for the next 10 years?
  11. If you could go anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would it be?

I hope you all have enjoyed reading through this incredibly long blog and will continue to join me on my journey.

FYSA

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FYSA – For Your Situational Awareness. My husband uses this term constantly and I always have to ask him to tell me again what FYSA means. I’m an FYI girl, but hey, what ever floats your boat, right?

Now to my FYSA, you will probably need to jot this down. DO NOT, FOR ANY REASON, trust any person who’s house constantly smells like cinnamon! Again, DO NOT TRUST THEM. You probably shouldn’t turn your back on them or piss them off either.

Why? Because they are probably the murdery type! No one on this planet uses that strong of a smell in their house consistently unless they have something to hide. RUN my friends. They either have a body somewhere in the house rotting, or they have some other dirty little secret that you don’t want to know about.

Write that down, seriously save that shit in the memory bank. I don’t want to read about any of you in the news, this is a safety precaution.

Matt says that’s a ridiculous assumption as plenty of people like the smell of cinnamon, but I’m not sure he can be trusted on this. I mean he put 2 blocks of evergreen smell in the scent warmer thingy AFTER Christmas. Let me tell you, that shit was so strong you could damn well taste it. BLEH. Only one block honey, only one. And never ever use the evergreen smell again, especially not after Christmas! Apparently he can’t be trusted with smells or in the cases of smells associated with hiding dead bodies in the house.

So, take it from me, trust no one with a cinnamon scented house! or one with 2 blocks of evergreen in the scent warmer cause you’ll want to vomit.