50 Flavors of Floor

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This week has been one for the books people! It’s not over yet, but damn I think I need a time out. For those who are having a great week, I am not liking you right now.

I have let everything go while I have been plodding away on all this homework. My house is a disaster, but my floors are delicious. I guaran-damn-tee you that my floors are the tastiest in the neighborhood. No, it does not in any way matter that there are only four families in my neighborhood. Mine are the most delicious!

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If you have a toddler, you too could have delicious floors…or maybe you already do. This weeks floor flavors are as follows:

Kitchen between the sink and refrigerator – Coffee with a hint of hazelnut creamer

Kitchen near the back porch door – Popcorn

Right in the arch between the dining room and living room – Coconut milkshake

Living room near the chaise lounge part of the couch – Mandarin oranges

Living room rug – Hot dog and mixed fruit cup

My bedroom rug – Tortilla chips (dip not included)

These are the flavors I remember and have witnessed being applied to the flooring. There may be some surprise flavors! You could literally crawl around the house and taste the variety of my delicious floors. My house is like Baskin Robbins sans ice cream. Fifty flavors of floor.

I may quarantine off sections of the floor and label them according to flavor. This way everyone can enjoy the floors. Something like this, with a “menu” of the area.

That’s right, it’s getting classy now! Have to have menus, but no napkins will be provided! Maybe I’ll make a little floor schematic like they have at IKEA which labels the floor flavors as you pass each zone! If I do I will update this posting and show y’all.

 

 

Gender Fluid

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I keep seeing fun things online today! One of them was gender fluid. Which completely boggled my mind, and not due to the definition of this term. The definition of gender fluid per Urban Dictionary-

Gender Fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days.Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation.
No, I’m not a boy, and I’m not a girl either. I am gender fluid.
When I read gender fluid, I immediately want to go to the store and ask for some.
“Excuse me sir, can I please have your largest bottle of gender fluid?”
“Ma’am, you sure can! Would you like male, female, or half-and-half?”
“I will take an extra large skim female, and a small almond half-and-half for my tea. Thank you very much!”
I am 100% sure this shit will make me awesome and will taste delicious. This is not to say I’m hating on anyone who is described as gender fluid, just that this term sparks a liter of drink-able gender fluid to my mind.
I am one of those people that doesn’t see the point in naming all of the genders or sexual orientations. I think we should stop at species and be happy. You are a dog, you are a cat, your are a human. Good now y’all go do appropriate things for your species. The dog will then go lick itself in a corner, the cat will go terrorize some human, and the human will walk around talking about how bored they are. BAM, classifications done! I see no difference from one person to the next outside of personality. So this leads to a sub category of asshole and non asshole. Look we have just categorized every human, easy peasy.
“Sir can I change my order please?”
“Yes ma’am, what can I do for you?”
“I would like to make that an extra large skim non-asshole female, and a small almond dash of asshole half-and-half please.”
“Ma’am are you sure you want the dash of asshole in that half-and-half?”
“Yes sir, I have to deal with [ Insert coworkers, people, or children here] all day so I am going to need a small dash of asshole in my tea to make it through the day.”
“Yes, ma’am I completely understand and like a bit of asshole in my own coffee each morning.”
I know at least one person who reads this will be offended, but ya know, it’s that dash of asshole. I think when I ask for this at the store I will also ask for some blinker fluid for my eyes!
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Per Urban Dictionary –
Blinker Fluid is an imaginary liquid used in automobiles (to make the blinkers work). This term is used as a sarcastic remark toward someone who knows absolutely nothing about cars.
Bob: “My car’s broken again. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
Jon: “Did you check the blinker fluid?”

Missing Funny

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Dear Readers,

I am in dire need of your assistance. My Funny is missing. I last saw it a couple of days ago prior to bed time. I had fed it, cuddled it, and tucked it into bed with me. The next morning when I woke up it was no where to be found.

I am truly lost, defeated, tired, and a bit stabby without my Funny. It helps me to be witty, have inappropriate comebacks, and to make my life more bearable. I am not sure if it has been kidnapped or if it ran off and left me for a better human. I have not received a ransom note so I am thinking it was not, in fact, kidnapped.

This is where I imagine my Funny would go…

I have checked the couch, the bed, the refrigerator, the back porch, the bathroom, and the bottom of several bottles of World’s Best Damned Root Beer. To no avail. Those bottles only had Cleany, Organizey, and Tiredy in the bottoms which were not at all helpful. All they wanted to do was clean and sleep instead of helping me to search for Funny. I am thinking it’s not here in the house at all.

I know I don’t appreciate my Funny often enough until it has gone missing. Sometimes for hours and other times for weeks. This periodic missing-ness does wonders for our relationship when Funny does come home, but I am about hopeless without it.

Right now while I’m sitting here writing this Funny is probably out having a party with the other missing funny’s, having cocktails and telling stories about the hysterical things they did when they were at home. Living it up, probably snorting some illegal drugs while discussing how long they will be gone. You live it up Funny, cause once you come home we are going to have a long talk about our relationship and how inappropriate it is for you to leave without even leaving me a damned note!

Now, if any of y’all come across my Funny at the local bar or making prank calls to your homes, you go ahead and send it home. It is not allowed to continually have fun without me, dammit! We belong together like cheese and mayo, shrimp and cocktail sauce, cucumber and martini’s, you get the picture.

So if any of you see or hear from my missing Funny, please send it home. I miss my Funny something awful. Thanks for your help in bringing funny home.

 

 

Cochlear Implants and Glow Boobs

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http://geekologie.com/2013/03/electroluminescent-wire-light-up-neck-ti.php

No that picture is not of me!!! But I may actually need this bra! Just an FYI.

So I went to see my primary care guy. Captain Anonymous. He really is a Captain, but Anonymous is not his last name. I had to get a physical for school. So, any who, they give me this sheet to fill out for why I’m there and allergies and shit. One section asks about surgeries and hospitalizations. So of course I put my BA on there.

Now look people, don’t judge. I had it done to cover up some chest wall deformities in lieu of having my sternum and ribs torn apart with garden tools. Yes, that’s right, garden tools. They would cut my chest bones into little bits and wire me back together. Which totally didn’t sound appealing with a 6-12 month recovery time. So I opted for the 3 day recovery. So, when I say my boobs came with the package, I truly mean they were a package deal. Kinda like a two for one, BOGO boobs.

So I get taken back and run through all the formalities with the technician of all my signs/symptoms and shit and then he leaves to get the Captain. A few minutes later this young tech comes back in to ask me what a BA is, so I inform him it’s a breast augmentation, to which he smiles, looks a bit embarrassed, and proceeds to look at my boobs. Cute little guy that he is I had to laugh.

When Captain A comes in I let him know if he was fooling with the tech he did a mighty fine job. He just smiles and gives me the guilty look. Well played Captain A.

I had been dying to see Captain A because he has a super awesome cochlear implant and let me tell you, I needed more information. I mean who the shit wouldn’t want to know? I told him while he checked me over that he needed to tell me about his neat little device.

You know what, the outer piece is NOT surgically implanted!! Who knew? Instead he has a magnet inside of his head that holds the little outer device on. So he’s kind of like a refrigerator with a decorative magnet! He explained how he lost his hearing and that if I ever wanted to lose my hearing to add a cochlear device to my bucket list. To which I replied “Nah, I’ll add that to the Fuckit List”.  My life literally fits into 2 lists, the bucket list of fun things and the fickit list of not fun things.

He tells me thanks for that little tid bit because now every time he thinks of a bucket list it’s going to be replaced with the fuckit list. You’re welcome Captain A. Since he shared so many fun facts with me I thought it best to share some fun facts of my own. Fair trades and all, ya know?

So I tell him that when you put a flash light to my boobs they glow!! A friend told me about this and I totally thought he was messing with me til I tried it. In essence my boobs refract light instead of absorbing it! How fun is that? It will make for an awesome party trick!

Captain A. suggested that I should get some little LED lights to put in my bra for parties! Fucking brilliance Captain A! My life will never be the same. I am going to get different lights for every holiday. Red and Green glow boobs for Christmas, red and blue glow boobs for July 4, etc. This is going to be awesome!!!! Thank you Captain A!

This whole physical totally made my week. I left in a super excited mood knowing that now I must leave and go buy LED lights STAT! I think I need a glow boob song to go with my trick. Something like the Glow Little Glow Worm song:

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Boobies don’t you wander

Your shine makes us even more of a wonder.

Shine boobies, glimmer, glimmer

Hey there, don’t get dimmer, dimmer.

I don’t have any more batteries in my pocket.

And I can’t plug you into the light socket.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

 

You get the gist. Week has been made!

The Passenger

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Matt says don’t distract the driver!!! 

   
    
   
Not distracting the driver is not my strong suit. I love being the passenger!!!!!

Traumatic Nickname

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This is that moment where you create an account and it wants you to put in secret answers to random questions. You know what I’m talking about. Most of these questions are as follows:

Mothers maiden name

Street you grew up on

First car make/model

Elementary School name

Childhood nickname

That last one always gets me. Uuuummmm, hell no account I’m not telling you what my childhood nickname was. My family is fucking horrible at nicknames, and mine is long and beyond embarrassing. There are not even enough characters for that secret answer box to fit my whole nickname!

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So here it is y’all. I will tell you my super secret childhood nickname that still occasionally haunts me today when some random used-to-be-family member shows up on my FaceBook. “Farnsberry Lunch Bucket Pocket Full of Rye”.

Who the shit does that to a kid? Where the hell did it come from? Who decided that this was an awesome phrase for the likes of me as a small child? I get I was a handful but really? Why couldn’t I get something simple like pumpkin, bug, kitty, or some stripper-ish name like bubbles? I mean what the shit?

So now y’all know my dirty little secret and why I don’t give my kids nicknames. I’m afraid I will traumatize them the way my family did to me!

 

 

I’m Only Human

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Most days I’m a happy humans girl, but I have my bad days too. No one really wants to read a woe-is-me story, but I’m going to tell it anyhow. Please feel free not to read if bad days aren’t your thing. Today is one of those days. Just when you think you have everything figured out, you realize that you never had it figured out in the first place.

Well, Racheal, what brought this shit on? I’ll tell you, I mentioned before how I am going back to school. Well, here soon said school starts in person, instead of on the couch in pj’s. Well, that can’t be that bad. No, actually it’s not. The problem is this, I have kids and my husband will be gone for 8 months of this year.

Anytime life gets even a little bumpy this man bails for a deployment. Asshole! I get into nursing school, BAM, deployment time. Why this happens in this sequence I will never know, but it always does.

What am I going to do if the kids get sick? What am I going to do with the kids during night and/or weekend clinicals? Your guess is as good as mine. I have just realized that this time no one is going to bail me out or help me. Matt will be gone. The baby already goes to school, but he can’t go when he’s sick or on nights and weekends. I have no family here, and only one friend I met recently.

I know I’m ruminating, I know I’m making myself depressed over this. This is how I try to find solutions to the problems. I am secretly hoping this deployment gets cancelled, but don’t tell Matt. I know he is ready to go and get away from the office for awhile. I cannot quit the program since this is my 2nd time getting into nursing school. I’ll tell you about the first time another day. If I throw in the towel this time there will be no more opportunities to go to nursing school. I can’t fuck this up, but I am almost at the notion that I should quit before I begin.

I am not a quitter by any means, I just don’t know how to make it all work, or make it all right. I am not super woman even though sometimes I may look that way to others. I am human and sometimes I fail at making everything work. I either need a wife or a live in friend to help me out. Unfortunately I don’t think I am going to get either of those anytime soon. So, I need to come up with a new plan to get me through these 8 months. It hasn’t started yet, I only have a little bit of time left to figure it out, and hoping my answers come soon.

Thank you for listening. I feel better for getting it all out. Maybe now I can concentrate on forming a plan B, C, D, and E.