I’m Only Human

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Most days I’m a happy humans girl, but I have my bad days too. No one really wants to read a woe-is-me story, but I’m going to tell it anyhow. Please feel free not to read if bad days aren’t your thing. Today is one of those days. Just when you think you have everything figured out, you realize that you never had it figured out in the first place.

Well, Racheal, what brought this shit on? I’ll tell you, I mentioned before how I am going back to school. Well, here soon said school starts in person, instead of on the couch in pj’s. Well, that can’t be that bad. No, actually it’s not. The problem is this, I have kids and my husband will be gone for 8 months of this year.

Anytime life gets even a little bumpy this man bails for a deployment. Asshole! I get into nursing school, BAM, deployment time. Why this happens in this sequence I will never know, but it always does.

What am I going to do if the kids get sick? What am I going to do with the kids during night and/or weekend clinicals? Your guess is as good as mine. I have just realized that this time no one is going to bail me out or help me. Matt will be gone. The baby already goes to school, but he can’t go when he’s sick or on nights and weekends. I have no family here, and only one friend I met recently.

I know I’m ruminating, I know I’m making myself depressed over this. This is how I try to find solutions to the problems. I am secretly hoping this deployment gets cancelled, but don’t tell Matt. I know he is ready to go and get away from the office for awhile. I cannot quit the program since this is my 2nd time getting into nursing school. I’ll tell you about the first time another day. If I throw in the towel this time there will be no more opportunities to go to nursing school. I can’t fuck this up, but I am almost at the notion that I should quit before I begin.

I am not a quitter by any means, I just don’t know how to make it all work, or make it all right. I am not super woman even though sometimes I may look that way to others. I am human and sometimes I fail at making everything work. I either need a wife or a live in friend to help me out. Unfortunately I don’t think I am going to get either of those anytime soon. So, I need to come up with a new plan to get me through these 8 months. It hasn’t started yet, I only have a little bit of time left to figure it out, and hoping my answers come soon.

Thank you for listening. I feel better for getting it all out. Maybe now I can concentrate on forming a plan B, C, D, and E.

 

 

 

17 thoughts on “I’m Only Human”

  2. God love ya darlin’. I’ll be sending positive vibes your way. It’s gonna be hard but I know you can do it! I too had no help when my little guy was in daycare and I survived. I did have a husband in town so there’s that. You may want to look up some kind of emergency babysitter service and get registered with them if you need last minute help. YOU CAN DO THIS!

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  3. I am so sorry to hear about this, and I do hope you find a plan to make it work! Does your military post have a network of people who help each other out so that there’s someone (reliable) who will watch your kids when you have clinicals/class? Not that I’d want you to do this, but can you defer your start date for the nursing program? I hope it all works out for you!

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    • I can’t defer my start date seeing as I got accepted into an accelerated program and they only accept about 30 people a year. Hhmmmm, on the network thing….I dont know how to say this, but the Air Force isn’t always so network-ish. It’s more clique-ish. If you aren’t in the clique your an outcast, and let’s just say I don’t really fit in well. Plus rank is always an issue. I would have to find someone with a spouse the same rank as mine because the Air Force seems to be big into not mixing the lowers with the uppers and vice versa. I’ll get it sorted somehow. I always do. Sometimes things just look a little hopeless for a minute and then I get my bearings back and remember I have weathered worse storms.
      I appreciate your support and loves. Thank you for caring!

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  4. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be to deal with a deployment. My husband teaches at a military school (DoDEA.) I used to teach for them, too, but now I’m at an international school. Anyway, we met lots of families dealing with deployments and I now have so much respect for what you all go through!

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    • My daughter went to a DoDea school in Germany!! Best school she has ever gone to! Deployments aren’t so bad, it’s busy single parenting that’s the hard part when you are used to having a partner to help. I miss Matt when he’s gone, but that’s his job and I knew that when I married him. It’s a fabulous life with adventure, but not so much right now when I am trying to make a career for myself before he retires!!

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      • I have to ask (if you don’t mind sharing) what school your daughter went to?? My husband and I both taught at Heidelberg Middle School and now he’s in Wiesbaden! What a crazy small world!! How long were you in Germany?? As for single parenting, I can’t even imagine. I’m on maternity leave right now and it’s definitely a lot of work to be on my own with her during the day. By the time Todd comes home, I’m ready to pass her right over and have a little break (even though I love her more than anything in the world.) I can’t imagine doing it all on my own. You definitely have my respect!!!

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      • She went to Vogelweh Elementary! We were in Kaiserslautern since my husband worked at Ramstein for 3 years.! It is a very small world indeed.

        I know all about passing the buck as soon as the Dad gets home. I’m going to do just that after his little trip and maybe take one of my own, alone. Lol!!!

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  6. Not too much of a woe-is-me post – which you need sometimes anyway. Sounds difficult to say the least. I hope you’re able to work it all out before school starts. It’s great you have a goal to work towards.

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