Cochlear Implants and Glow Boobs



No that picture is not of me!!! But I may actually need this bra! Just an FYI.

So I went to see my primary care guy. Captain Anonymous. He really is a Captain, but Anonymous is not his last name. I had to get a physical for school. So, any who, they give me this sheet to fill out for why I’m there and allergies and shit. One section asks about surgeries and hospitalizations. So of course I put my BA on there.

Now look people, don’t judge. I had it done to cover up some chest wall deformities in lieu of having my sternum and ribs torn apart with garden tools. Yes, that’s right, garden tools. They would cut my chest bones into little bits and wire me back together. Which totally didn’t sound appealing with a 6-12 month recovery time. So I opted for the 3 day recovery. So, when I say my boobs came with the package, I truly mean they were a package deal. Kinda like a two for one, BOGO boobs.

So I get taken back and run through all the formalities with the technician of all my signs/symptoms and shit and then he leaves to get the Captain. A few minutes later this young tech comes back in to ask me what a BA is, so I inform him it’s a breast augmentation, to which he smiles, looks a bit embarrassed, and proceeds to look at my boobs. Cute little guy that he is I had to laugh.

When Captain A comes in I let him know if he was fooling with the tech he did a mighty fine job. He just smiles and gives me the guilty look. Well played Captain A.

I had been dying to see Captain A because he has a super awesome cochlear implant and let me tell you, I needed more information. I mean who the shit wouldn’t want to know? I told him while he checked me over that he needed to tell me about his neat little device.

You know what, the outer piece is NOT surgically implanted!! Who knew? Instead he has a magnet inside of his head that holds the little outer device on. So he’s kind of like a refrigerator with a decorative magnet! He explained how he lost his hearing and that if I ever wanted to lose my hearing to add a cochlear device to my bucket list. To which I replied “Nah, I’ll add that to the Fuckit List”.  My life literally fits into 2 lists, the bucket list of fun things and the fickit list of not fun things.

He tells me thanks for that little tid bit because now every time he thinks of a bucket list it’s going to be replaced with the fuckit list. You’re welcome Captain A. Since he shared so many fun facts with me I thought it best to share some fun facts of my own. Fair trades and all, ya know?

So I tell him that when you put a flash light to my boobs they glow!! A friend told me about this and I totally thought he was messing with me til I tried it. In essence my boobs refract light instead of absorbing it! How fun is that? It will make for an awesome party trick!

Captain A. suggested that I should get some little LED lights to put in my bra for parties! Fucking brilliance Captain A! My life will never be the same. I am going to get different lights for every holiday. Red and Green glow boobs for Christmas, red and blue glow boobs for July 4, etc. This is going to be awesome!!!! Thank you Captain A!

This whole physical totally made my week. I left in a super excited mood knowing that now I must leave and go buy LED lights STAT! I think I need a glow boob song to go with my trick. Something like the Glow Little Glow Worm song:

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Boobies don’t you wander

Your shine makes us even more of a wonder.

Shine boobies, glimmer, glimmer

Hey there, don’t get dimmer, dimmer.

I don’t have any more batteries in my pocket.

And I can’t plug you into the light socket.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.


You get the gist. Week has been made!


5 thoughts on “Cochlear Implants and Glow Boobs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s