Hi y’all!

Something truly inspiring happened the other day. Okay well inspiring is subjective, let’s just say it inspired this blog posting since it probably wouldn’t inspire much else. I called my Uncle and he said the most interesting thing to me after discussing how nursing school has been going. He said “Racheal, I don’t think you know how to fail”. Now that is absolutely though provoking!

What does that even mean? Is there a guide book on how to successfully fail? or one on how to miserably fail? How does anyone know how to fail? Do people purposefully set out to fail? Why am I not one of these people? Why do you think I don’t know how to fail when I constantly feel like a failure?

So many questions! I will tell you that I honestly don’t think I have succeeded at everything, I am sure I have failed at plenty of things. Haven’t I? I know that I am ambitious and determined. I am the rock that moss doesn’t grow on because I am constantly in motion. I know that I try my hardest at everything I do. When I set my mind on something it becomes absolute. With that being said, I know I have failed. I set my sights too high, I destroy myself to meet my goals, and sometimes I fail the people around me when trying to reach my goal.

My life has not been an accomplished one, I am not special, I have not made a difference. I am not rich, famous, or irreplaceable. I am not the perfect mother or wife. I generally feel like a failure at life, but I still love my life and accept that one person can only do so much when she is medicated. I only have so much time in a day and so much energy to give.

I asked Matt about  me not knowing how to fail and he told me it’s true. How is that even possible? Does he even know me at all? Why am I married to this man? Then he listed all the things I have done since we have been married….and when you look at it like that I have truly been a very busy girl. It was damn exhausting just listening to him list the last 5-ish years of my life. When in the hell do I sleep?

So now you’re wondering what all I have done. Well here goes, I completed 2 years of college in 11 months and 9 of those I was pregnant. I gave birth during my capstone class and was doing my school work in the hospital with a newborn. I did all of the things to get us ready and moved to Germany (it was A LOT of things). I started my own business while in Germany. I took more classes to get into this nursing program while I was still in Germany. I got into this nursing program after lots of headaches trying to meet all the deadlines and requirements. I have maintained a 4.0 up until this point.I have been a parent sometimes a single parent sometimes as a happy family. And last but not least, I got diagnosed and started getting my crazy under control even though my meds made me hate myself in the beginning. Whew, that was exhausting.

There is probably more that he said, but my brain shut off about there. Yes, Matt, I’ve done lots of shit. Does doing a lot of things mean you don’t know how to fail? Does not knowing how to fail mean you can’t fail? I would think not. Everyone is capable of failure right? Everyone fails at something I think. Even if they don’t know how.

I am a failure in many senses in my own eyes, but I think I play the game well enough that it doesn’t seem that way to others. Fake it til you make it people!

So I believe it all boils down to this. As long as you don’t fail at the big things no one will notice your failures. Even if you think you are failing maybe other people don’t. Your ideas of failure may not be equivalent to others. And if you are OCD your expectations of perfection are so high you will always feel like a failure, then your bipolar will kick in and start adding in all of the grandiose ideas and you will forget about being a failure at all because you are sure this brilliant idea will make you a best selling author who is rich and famous!!!

 

I’m not sure how many of y’all shop at Ulta, but that place is literally the devil! Not only does it smell like a brothel and completely overwhelm you with the sheer amount of beauty products, but those damned Ulta girls are just the topper on the cake!

Now, let’s remember that I do the beach look to perfection. Tank top, jeans, flip flops, messy hair, and pretty much zero make up. Never ever walk into Ulta with no makeup on or if you are having an “ugly feeling” day. Ulta will not help you in any way.

I have horrible genes and don’t have a single clue what to do with makeup unless you want to look like a street walker. If so, I’d be happy to pencil you into my schedule. So here I am, looking like the perfect beach bum and go traipsing into Ulta for the very first time in my life.

I am immediately knocked off my feet by the amount of counters, racks, shelves, and tables of all kinds of body shit that I have no clue how to use or what they might be for. Side note: I went to Ulta cause my friend Manda said I needed a CC cream in my life immediately. She’s gorgeous so I consider her advice to be solid gold and do as instructed.

 

After regaining my wits I proceed to try to find the brand of cosmetics I’m looking for. About 2 minutes into this process I hear, “Are you finding everything okay?”, and me being me I instantly say “NO” with a hint of panic. When I finally see the face that the voice came from I guarantee my jaw dropped. I am now feeling like I look homeless, here she was the perfect and flawless Ulta Girl. No joke people!

She was about 3 inches taller than me with perfect hair, perfect makeup, the cutest glasses ever, perfect outfit with the accessory jewelry, and amazing boots! Damn you and your perfection. This girl did not even have a single blemish, pimple, or wrinkle to speak of. I immediately hated her. She didn’t even give me a pimple to make me like her. Not one single reason.

Ulta Girl then asked me what I needed and helped me find everything…until we got to the mascara. Why did I have to ask for new mascara? I could have lived with dry clumpy mascara a little longer. Instead I opened my mouth and she had to ask if I wanted it water proof. Me, “I don’t know, probably, does it rain here a lot?”. This then inspires her to ask me where I moved from, the fact that it does rain a lot, her boyfriend is also military and is a PJ (Of fucking course he is!!). PJ’s are those elite guys who jump out of planes to rescue people and shit. Of course Ulta Girl is dating one of those guys, OF COURSE.

Then to top it all off, she is going over how to use the CC cream I came in for and that I could set it with powder if needed (I still don’t know exactly what that means) and here it is, the kicker……..My skin doesn’t look bad. Shut your mouth while you’re ahead Ulta Girl! If you can’t say something nice about my skin you shouldn’t say anything at all, and you should never follow it up by stating you are almost the same age as I am. You bitch!

After this endeavor into Ulta and spending a million dollars to feel like I’m ugly and inept, I have decided it was all Ulta Girl’s fault. She put a wrench in my day to be honest. I literally blamed her for everything. I had some issues with school, it was Ulta Girl’s fault. The baby was cranky, Ulta Girl’s fault. #BlameItOnUltaGirl.

This is actually becoming a regular theme in my life. When someone irritates me it’s Ulta Girl’s fault. There is a girl in my nursing program who is just rude and nasty, we call her Ulta. On twitter my fellow friends who have gone to Ulta recently write me about how they are blaming their Ulta Girl’s for feeling shitty about the way they look or how much money they spent.

Due to Ulta Girl meddling in my life so much Matt feels that he should probably stop by Ulta and meet her or at least see her. Which is fine, go see that meddling heiffer, and buy me something nice from Ulta when you go. Also, I need a picture of her if you can snap a quick one. Thanks Honey, love you! Don’t worry what I need a picture for, just get me one!

When one has a security camera installed in the house they should remember that their husband may log in to watch at any given moment. Matt has been gone for almost 3 weeks and apparently TDY’s are extremely boring so he likes to watch us doing stuff here in the house. He is like a high tech Peeping Tom.

Matt likes to randomly text while he watches us saying things like “Wash them dishes good”, “Why aren’t you working on your school work? You can’t be doing that from the back porch”,  and “Why is our son sitting on the kitchen island?”. I mean who wouldn’t want to sit on the kitchen island? And why the hell are you asking me what he’s doing up there? I might need to get the little guy his own phone so Matt can ask him why he’s sitting up there, or maybe we should be happy he is sitting and not standing or dancing. Did you think of that Matt?

Our security camera can be watched through our cell phones and tablets, yes, there is an app for that. I never know if he is watching or not at any given moment, which is a little creepy sometimes. I mean, I don’t have anything to hide, but damn who knows what I’m doing? I may have to step up my game to keep him entertained.

Talking about Matt, he is actually on his way home! I couldn’t be more excited and thankfully he can stop watching me on that damned camera. Instead he can just comment in person instead of trying to scare the life out of me with those stalkery texts. I think I should text him one some day when he’s home, “It puts the lotion on its skin” and see if he will do it. This could be a fun game, like Simon Says on camera! Stalker Simon Says.

FYI – Spellcheck says stalkery is not a word, when it totally is. You can also use stalkerish but it’s also not a word according to spellcheck and not as fun as stalkery.

Hi y’all!  It’s been a minute since I was able to blog, but I finally have time to sit down at the computer and let you know what’s happening in my world.

You cannot trust child psychologists and therapist! I have been trying my hardest to get my oldest child a proper diagnosis and the therapy she needs, yet they only see that I have a diagnosis of my own. Wouldn’t that tell you that I might have some clue as to what mental illness looks like? Why does my diagnosis have anything to do with my child needing help? I have no clue how to get through to this lady.

Instead the kids therapist talks to me like I am 5 and mentally ill, tries to placate me and beat around the bush, and acts like I am the problem and not that my child has her own problems. I asked for a psychological assessment test, got grilled 3 different times as to why I wanted it done, and after requesting it multiple times they finally agreed. Good lord y’all, WTF? You would think they would do it just to prove me wrong (not that I’m wrong at all) if not for any other reason.

This kid has some serious issues but she manipulates everyone and is a damned good liar. I mean, she even has me fooled most of the time. I am 100% sure this child needs meds and a good bout of appropriate therapy tailored to her specific mind. All of us are at our wits end with her after 7 years of all this crazy.

I think when I wasn’t medicated it was easier to deal with because I was as mentally ill as she was so I didn’t think much of it. Now that I am properly medicated it is quite apparent that something is seriously wrong with this picture. She does great at school and with her therapist, but she is a totally different person at home. She tells me how much she hates me and everyone else in this house.

She is constantly punishing (yes, that’s right) all of us in this house for anything we did that she didn’t like or when she thinks one of us has slighted her in any way. The most recent punishment doled out to me came in the form of her stealing a good deal of my jewelry, and she sees nothing wrong with the behavior because she says “I made her do it”!!! How did I make her? This was because I wouldn’t let her have a baby with “Bae” and I was just trying to take away all of her happiness. BTW she is 12 and Bae is 11.

Why yes you should certainly have a baby and this will make your life perfect and happy, which is what she wanted me to say. She wanted me to SUPPORT this action/decision. FUCK NO! That is not by any means solid parenting. What parent would ever support this insane idea of having a baby at 12 years old? Not this one! So apparently my solid parenting meant I needed to be punished by my child and taught a lesson…totally didn’t work. Lesson learned: Do not trust the kid or Bae!

Some days I think it would be easier to handle her rage if I stopped taking my own medication. Don’t worry I know this is a bad idea and it’s not something I am willing to do, but I mean who doesn’t need a break sometimes? How do you get a therapist to believe you when your child is a completely different person in the office than at home? Why does no one else see what is going on here? When I tell her therapist what has happened at home she looks at me like I have Muchhausen by proxy. Which I absolutely do not. I want nothing more than a healthy family to balance myself out. I envy those families with there beautiful normal healthy children.

We just need a diagnosis to get on the right road here, there is no other way for us to get that diagnosis without the test. The therapist will never see what she is under the facade if she doesn’t take this test.

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? How did you deal with it?