Failing the Right Way

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Hi y’all!

Something truly inspiring happened the other day. Okay well inspiring is subjective, let’s just say it inspired this blog posting since it probably wouldn’t inspire much else. I called my Uncle and he said the most interesting thing to me after discussing how nursing school has been going. He said “Racheal, I don’t think you know how to fail”. Now that is absolutely though provoking!

What does that even mean? Is there a guide book on how to successfully fail? or one on how to miserably fail? How does anyone know how to fail? Do people purposefully set out to fail? Why am I not one of these people? Why do you think I don’t know how to fail when I constantly feel like a failure?

So many questions! I will tell you that I honestly don’t think I have succeeded at everything, I am sure I have failed at plenty of things. Haven’t I? I know that I am ambitious and determined. I am the rock that moss doesn’t grow on because I am constantly in motion. I know that I try my hardest at everything I do. When I set my mind on something it becomes absolute. With that being said, I know I have failed. I set my sights too high, I destroy myself to meet my goals, and sometimes I fail the people around me when trying to reach my goal.

My life has not been an accomplished one, I am not special, I have not made a difference. I am not rich, famous, or irreplaceable. I am not the perfect mother or wife. I generally feel like a failure at life, but I still love my life and accept that one person can only do so much when she is medicated. I only have so much time in a day and so much energy to give.

I asked Matt about  me not knowing how to fail and he told me it’s true. How is that even possible? Does he even know me at all? Why am I married to this man? Then he listed all the things I have done since we have been married….and when you look at it like that I have truly been a very busy girl. It was damn exhausting just listening to him list the last 5-ish years of my life. When in the hell do I sleep?

So now you’re wondering what all I have done. Well here goes, I completed 2 years of college in 11 months and 9 of those I was pregnant. I gave birth during my capstone class and was doing my school work in the hospital with a newborn. I did all of the things to get us ready and moved to Germany (it was A LOT of things). I started my own business while in Germany. I took more classes to get into this nursing program while I was still in Germany. I got into this nursing program after lots of headaches trying to meet all the deadlines and requirements. I have maintained a 4.0 up until this point.I have been a parent sometimes a single parent sometimes as a happy family. And last but not least, I got diagnosed and started getting my crazy under control even though my meds made me hate myself in the beginning. Whew, that was exhausting.

There is probably more that he said, but my brain shut off about there. Yes, Matt, I’ve done lots of shit. Does doing a lot of things mean you don’t know how to fail? Does not knowing how to fail mean you can’t fail? I would think not. Everyone is capable of failure right? Everyone fails at something I think. Even if they don’t know how.

I am a failure in many senses in my own eyes, but I think I play the game well enough that it doesn’t seem that way to others. Fake it til you make it people!

So I believe it all boils down to this. As long as you don’t fail at the big things no one will notice your failures. Even if you think you are failing maybe other people don’t. Your ideas of failure may not be equivalent to others. And if you are OCD your expectations of perfection are so high you will always feel like a failure, then your bipolar will kick in and start adding in all of the grandiose ideas and you will forget about being a failure at all because you are sure this brilliant idea will make you a best selling author who is rich and famous!!!

 

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Damn you Ulta Girl!

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I’m not sure how many of y’all shop at Ulta, but that place is literally the devil! Not only does it smell like a brothel and completely overwhelm you with the sheer amount of beauty products, but those damned Ulta girls are just the topper on the cake!

Now, let’s remember that I do the beach look to perfection. Tank top, jeans, flip flops, messy hair, and pretty much zero make up. Never ever walk into Ulta with no makeup on or if you are having an “ugly feeling” day. Ulta will not help you in any way.

I have horrible genes and don’t have a single clue what to do with makeup unless you want to look like a street walker. If so, I’d be happy to pencil you into my schedule. So here I am, looking like the perfect beach bum and go traipsing into Ulta for the very first time in my life.

I am immediately knocked off my feet by the amount of counters, racks, shelves, and tables of all kinds of body shit that I have no clue how to use or what they might be for. Side note: I went to Ulta cause my friend Manda said I needed a CC cream in my life immediately. She’s gorgeous so I consider her advice to be solid gold and do as instructed.

 

After regaining my wits I proceed to try to find the brand of cosmetics I’m looking for. About 2 minutes into this process I hear, “Are you finding everything okay?”, and me being me I instantly say “NO” with a hint of panic. When I finally see the face that the voice came from I guarantee my jaw dropped. I am now feeling like I look homeless, here she was the perfect and flawless Ulta Girl. No joke people!

She was about 3 inches taller than me with perfect hair, perfect makeup, the cutest glasses ever, perfect outfit with the accessory jewelry, and amazing boots! Damn you and your perfection. This girl did not even have a single blemish, pimple, or wrinkle to speak of. I immediately hated her. She didn’t even give me a pimple to make me like her. Not one single reason.

Ulta Girl then asked me what I needed and helped me find everything…until we got to the mascara. Why did I have to ask for new mascara? I could have lived with dry clumpy mascara a little longer. Instead I opened my mouth and she had to ask if I wanted it water proof. Me, “I don’t know, probably, does it rain here a lot?”. This then inspires her to ask me where I moved from, the fact that it does rain a lot, her boyfriend is also military and is a PJ (Of fucking course he is!!). PJ’s are those elite guys who jump out of planes to rescue people and shit. Of course Ulta Girl is dating one of those guys, OF COURSE.

Then to top it all off, she is going over how to use the CC cream I came in for and that I could set it with powder if needed (I still don’t know exactly what that means) and here it is, the kicker……..My skin doesn’t look bad. Shut your mouth while you’re ahead Ulta Girl! If you can’t say something nice about my skin you shouldn’t say anything at all, and you should never follow it up by stating you are almost the same age as I am. You bitch!

After this endeavor into Ulta and spending a million dollars to feel like I’m ugly and inept, I have decided it was all Ulta Girl’s fault. She put a wrench in my day to be honest. I literally blamed her for everything. I had some issues with school, it was Ulta Girl’s fault. The baby was cranky, Ulta Girl’s fault. #BlameItOnUltaGirl.

This is actually becoming a regular theme in my life. When someone irritates me it’s Ulta Girl’s fault. There is a girl in my nursing program who is just rude and nasty, we call her Ulta. On twitter my fellow friends who have gone to Ulta recently write me about how they are blaming their Ulta Girl’s for feeling shitty about the way they look or how much money they spent.

Due to Ulta Girl meddling in my life so much Matt feels that he should probably stop by Ulta and meet her or at least see her. Which is fine, go see that meddling heiffer, and buy me something nice from Ulta when you go. Also, I need a picture of her if you can snap a quick one. Thanks Honey, love you! Don’t worry what I need a picture for, just get me one!

Deployment Lies

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Matt, DO NOT read this blog!

One of my blogger friends recently posted about lies she tells, which you can read the whole posting on her page at https://buffaloschnitzel.wordpress.com/2016/05/04/my-lies-are-white-or-neon-green/#more-469. In response to her posting I told her that I lie to my husband when he’s deployed.

I have a strict policy of no lying in general, but sometimes you just have to lie. Buffaloschnitzel requested that I do a posting on lies I tell my husband when he is deployed. Now, military wives I know you all do this (and if not something is seriously wrong with you!). These lies are not only for deployments but also TDY’s and Remote tours.

My husband has enough to worry about when he is gone so I don’t feel it’s necessary to add to his stress load. He shouldn’t have to worry about me and the kids when he really needs to worry about himself. So, I lie. Here are some of the lies I tell him during those times.

  1. I’m fine. – He asks me how I am and I can’t help but say I’m fine even when my world is falling apart around me. The kids are being maniacs, everything in the house is breaking, and I am alone. Yes honey, I’m fine.
  2. Yes, I’ve taken my meds. – He asks because he loves me and wants to make sure I’m not falling off the wagon without his adult super vision. When he asks I have to try to think if I have or have not taken them, which sometimes I forget. I suck at adulting and lifeing, but he doesn’t need to worry about my sanity or if I am putting myself in dangerous situations. Yes honey, I have been taking my meds and I appreciate you caring about my well being.
  3. Of course I miss you, but this is what I signed on for. – My soul has been crushed, my best friend is gone, I am bored without him, and I am alone with maniac kids. He needs to know that I love him and support him no matter what.  Telling him how much his lack of presence makes my soul ache doesn’t help him in any way and will only make him feel guilty and sad. Yes honey, I miss you and can’t wait for you to come home. I knew you would be gone for extended amounts of time when I married you.
  4. No, I haven’t done anything crazy or gotten into trouble. – Why does he need to know that I may or may not have done something that almost got me arrested? I only screamed at the people in the pharmacy for fucking up my prescriptions once again. I’m sure that they won’t e-mail you because they already know I’m crazy or I wouldn’t need these pills. Thankfully Security Forces wasn’t called. No honey, I have been on my very best behavior.
  5. The kids have been great! – Who the hell are we kidding? The kids are maniacs and are going to give me a heart attack. They are terrorists in disguise! The big one (well y’all know about that) has issues and may possibly be plotting her next revenge scheme, and the little one climbs shit, screams the house down, and wants to play in the oven. Yes honey, the kids have been great. The wonderful little beings that they are.
  6. I have friends now. – This generally means I spoke to a sales associate somewhere, talked to the person at the door trying to sell me something, or that I have talked on the phone with one of my friends that lives a million miles away. I know he wants me to have “real life friends”, but I don’t have the easiest time with that. Friend dating is the pits and every time I make a friend it’s time to move. Yes honey, I met this lovely girl and we are going to be the bestest friends ever!
  7. I sure have left the house and put on outside clothes! – WTF? Of course I haven’t left the house if I didn’t have to! Outside clothes? Why would I put those on when I can stay here in my cave of wonders in yoga pants or pajama pants and a tank top? We know that I am about to run out of toilet paper, the food supplies are getting low, and I am still refusing to go to the store because it requires outside clothes. Yes honey, I have left the house to do all of the things. I am adulting like a pro!
  8. Skypeing, yes, let’s do that! – OMG, I need to shower, brush my hair, and put on a top that is clean! Please let him give me an hour before he Skypes, or at least 5 minutes! I must move quickly and think clearly, being frantic will surely give me away! He cannot know that I haven’t had the time or the want to take care of myself in a normal people kind of way! Oh shit, I need some makeup to cover all the places on my face I have picked off because then my crazy will show and all the previous lies will be found out! Hi honey, it’s so good to see you! I am so glad you are somewhere that we can Skype. Don’t I look pretty?
  9. (Insert holiday here) was fabulously awesome! – It wasn’t the same because you weren’t here. Said holiday sucked and it was a shit ton of work to pull this shit off. I stayed up all night trying to put shit together while the holiday entity gets credit (Santa, Easter bunny, Tooth Fairy, Illusive fuckers we have to pretend exist). I had to decorate, which is totally beyond me and we should all be happy that the bare minimum was done. Totally ecstatic that you weren’t here to help and let’s be thankful I put up the tree/Easter baskets/money under the pillow with a note/etc. Not to mention those packages you sent from Amazon that I had to wrap. Yes, Honey, the Holiday was great and thank you for sending the packages of gifts.
  10. No, nothing has broken. – Everything has broken, because of course it would! I have now replaced the printer that went up in smoke, I have called the fire department for the Freon leaking refrigerator, I have replaced that damned refrigerator, the A/C broke and we had to wait a couple days for someone to come fix it which cost a million dollars, and I spent two days cutting back trees because there are black widow spiders on the porch from the neighbors jungle of a yard. Yes, all of that happened when he went on a remote tour. Thank god we didn’t die with the refrigerator and deadly spider infestation. No honey, nothing has broken and everything is fine. I have it all under control. I know who to call if something does go wrong.
  11. I’m so glad you’re coming home for mid-tour! – Of course I’m glad to see him, but it crushes us all when he leaves again after only being home for a couple of days. When he comes for this brief visit I don’t even let him unpack his bags because right now he doesn’t live here and I don’t want to even get close to feeling like he’s staying. Please come home and ruin our routine, let us all shower you in our love, and then you go ahead and walk out again. Yes honey, I’m so over joyed you’re coming home to visit. We can’t wait to spend some time with you!
  12. No, I haven’t been drinking. – Why the hell wouldn’t I be drinking? I have 2 kids that I’m single parenting, isn’t that reason enough to drink? Of course I’m on the third bottle of wine and amusing myself on the internet while talking to you as I am trying not to sound inebriated. I am sure I am being successful in fooling him and he doesn’t have any clue I have been drinking regularly and a good deal of our money is going to my booze habit. No honey, I haven’t been drinking the whole time you’ve been gone. Tonight I am just celebrating (insert whatever the reason here).
  13. I am so glad you made a new friend with what’s her name. – What was her name again? I need to look her up on Facebook, make a voodoo doll, wish she gets face herpes, and send her a package of hate glitter (Thank you Manda for that little gem) because she is spending time with my best friend. I am sure she would get the message when she receives my hate glitter filled letter. Yes Honey, I am so glad you have a friend to make the time go by faster.
  14. You’re having a few beers with some of the guys you knew from previous deployments/jobs, that’s so cool you get some down time. – You asshole! I am so glad you are living it up like a single person who gets to hang out with adult people. While here I am dealing with these crazy kids and single parenting. When you get home I am completely taking a vacation so I can have som time out drinking and laughing near a bon fire. Mommy needs a time out. Yes Honey, I am super glad you have friends and can relax a bit. 
  15. Of course I’m not mad. – I am most likely frustrated by the situation and jealous of your freedom and may or may not be mad that you are on a semi-vacation. I mean what sane person wouldn’t want an intriguing jaunt into a foreign place where you can work-out all the time, eat shitty food, drink beer, and never knowing whats going on each minute. I want an adventure with all expenses paid (minus the possible POW status or possible death of course, but I try not to dwell on those possibilities and like to call it an extended vacation). No Honey, I would never be mad at you for doing your job and putting your life on the line for the good of our nation!
  16. The bills are all paid of course. – Did I pay them all? Did I forget one? Did he even give me all the passwords for all the accounts or leave me a list? Probably not. I think I paid them, but I guess I’ll know when things start getting turned off or if I get little pink notices in the mail that instantly create panic because once again my adulting skills have failed to remind me of the important things that I was unaware of because time means nothing to me. Yes Honey, of course all the bills are paid. Why wouldn’t they be?

There are probably a few more lies that I have or will tell my husband, but there are a few for y’all to enjoy! Would you do the same? Have you done the same? You let me know and I’ll keep you all abreast of new lies I will be telling my husband this time he leaves.

Security Camera Stalker

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When one has a security camera installed in the house they should remember that their husband may log in to watch at any given moment. Matt has been gone for almost 3 weeks and apparently TDY’s are extremely boring so he likes to watch us doing stuff here in the house. He is like a high tech Peeping Tom.

Matt likes to randomly text while he watches us saying things like “Wash them dishes good”, “Why aren’t you working on your school work? You can’t be doing that from the back porch”,  and “Why is our son sitting on the kitchen island?”. I mean who wouldn’t want to sit on the kitchen island? And why the hell are you asking me what he’s doing up there? I might need to get the little guy his own phone so Matt can ask him why he’s sitting up there, or maybe we should be happy he is sitting and not standing or dancing. Did you think of that Matt?

Our security camera can be watched through our cell phones and tablets, yes, there is an app for that. I never know if he is watching or not at any given moment, which is a little creepy sometimes. I mean, I don’t have anything to hide, but damn who knows what I’m doing? I may have to step up my game to keep him entertained.

Talking about Matt, he is actually on his way home! I couldn’t be more excited and thankfully he can stop watching me on that damned camera. Instead he can just comment in person instead of trying to scare the life out of me with those stalkery texts. I think I should text him one some day when he’s home, “It puts the lotion on its skin” and see if he will do it. This could be a fun game, like Simon Says on camera! Stalker Simon Says.

FYI – Spellcheck says stalkery is not a word, when it totally is. You can also use stalkerish but it’s also not a word according to spellcheck and not as fun as stalkery.

The Big Kid’s Therapist

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Hi y’all!  It’s been a minute since I was able to blog, but I finally have time to sit down at the computer and let you know what’s happening in my world.

You cannot trust child psychologists and therapist! I have been trying my hardest to get my oldest child a proper diagnosis and the therapy she needs, yet they only see that I have a diagnosis of my own. Wouldn’t that tell you that I might have some clue as to what mental illness looks like? Why does my diagnosis have anything to do with my child needing help? I have no clue how to get through to this lady.

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Instead the kids therapist talks to me like I am 5 and mentally ill, tries to placate me and beat around the bush, and acts like I am the problem and not that my child has her own problems. I asked for a psychological assessment test, got grilled 3 different times as to why I wanted it done, and after requesting it multiple times they finally agreed. Good lord y’all, WTF? You would think they would do it just to prove me wrong (not that I’m wrong at all) if not for any other reason.

This kid has some serious issues but she manipulates everyone and is a damned good liar. I mean, she even has me fooled most of the time. I am 100% sure this child needs meds and a good bout of appropriate therapy tailored to her specific mind. All of us are at our wits end with her after 7 years of all this crazy.

I think when I wasn’t medicated it was easier to deal with because I was as mentally ill as she was so I didn’t think much of it. Now that I am properly medicated it is quite apparent that something is seriously wrong with this picture. She does great at school and with her therapist, but she is a totally different person at home. She tells me how much she hates me and everyone else in this house.

She is constantly punishing (yes, that’s right) all of us in this house for anything we did that she didn’t like or when she thinks one of us has slighted her in any way. The most recent punishment doled out to me came in the form of her stealing a good deal of my jewelry, and she sees nothing wrong with the behavior because she says “I made her do it”!!! How did I make her? This was because I wouldn’t let her have a baby with “Bae” and I was just trying to take away all of her happiness. BTW she is 12 and Bae is 11.

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Why yes you should certainly have a baby and this will make your life perfect and happy, which is what she wanted me to say. She wanted me to SUPPORT this action/decision. FUCK NO! That is not by any means solid parenting. What parent would ever support this insane idea of having a baby at 12 years old? Not this one! So apparently my solid parenting meant I needed to be punished by my child and taught a lesson…totally didn’t work. Lesson learned: Do not trust the kid or Bae!

Some days I think it would be easier to handle her rage if I stopped taking my own medication. Don’t worry I know this is a bad idea and it’s not something I am willing to do, but I mean who doesn’t need a break sometimes? How do you get a therapist to believe you when your child is a completely different person in the office than at home? Why does no one else see what is going on here? When I tell her therapist what has happened at home she looks at me like I have Muchhausen by proxy. Which I absolutely do not. I want nothing more than a healthy family to balance myself out. I envy those families with there beautiful normal healthy children.

We just need a diagnosis to get on the right road here, there is no other way for us to get that diagnosis without the test. The therapist will never see what she is under the facade if she doesn’t take this test.

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? How did you deal with it?