Matt, DO NOT read this blog!

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One of my blogger friends recently posted about lies she tells, which you can read the whole posting on her page at https://buffaloschnitzel.wordpress.com/2016/05/04/my-lies-are-white-or-neon-green/#more-469. In response to her posting I told her that I lie to my husband when he’s deployed.

I have a strict policy of no lying in general, but sometimes you just have to lie. Buffaloschnitzel requested that I do a posting on lies I tell my husband when he is deployed. Now, military wives I know you all do this (and if not something is seriously wrong with you!). These lies are not only for deployments but also TDY’s and Remote tours.

My husband has enough to worry about when he is gone so I don’t feel it’s necessary to add to his stress load. He shouldn’t have to worry about me and the kids when he really needs to worry about himself. So, I lie. Here are some of the lies I tell him during those times.

1. I’m fine. – He asks me how I am and I can’t help but say I’m fine even when my world is falling apart around me. The kids are being maniacs, everything in the house is breaking, and I am alone. Yes honey, I’m fine.
2. Yes, I’ve taken my meds. – He asks because he loves me and wants to make sure I’m not falling off the wagon without his adult super vision. When he asks I have to try to think if I have or have not taken them, which sometimes I forget. I suck at adulting and lifeing, but he doesn’t need to worry about my sanity or if I am putting myself in dangerous situations. Yes honey, I have been taking my meds and I appreciate you caring about my well being.
3. Of course I miss you, but this is what I signed on for. – My soul has been crushed, my best friend is gone, I am bored without him, and I am alone with maniac kids. He needs to know that I love him and support him no matter what.  Telling him how much his lack of presence makes my soul ache doesn’t help him in any way and will only make him feel guilty and sad. Yes honey, I miss you and can’t wait for you to come home. I knew you would be gone for extended amounts of time when I married you.
4. No, I haven’t done anything crazy or gotten into trouble. – Why does he need to know that I may or may not have done something that almost got me arrested? I only screamed at the people in the pharmacy for fucking up my prescriptions once again. I’m sure that they won’t e-mail you because they already know I’m crazy or I wouldn’t need these pills. Thankfully Security Forces wasn’t called. No honey, I have been on my very best behavior.
5. The kids have been great! – Who the hell are we kidding? The kids are maniacs and are going to give me a heart attack. They are terrorists in disguise! The big one (well y’all know about that) has issues and may possibly be plotting her next revenge scheme, and the little one climbs shit, screams the house down, and wants to play in the oven. Yes honey, the kids have been great. The wonderful little beings that they are.
6. I have friends now. – This generally means I spoke to a sales associate somewhere, talked to the person at the door trying to sell me something, or that I have talked on the phone with one of my friends that lives a million miles away. I know he wants me to have “real life friends”, but I don’t have the easiest time with that. Friend dating is the pits and every time I make a friend it’s time to move. Yes honey, I met this lovely girl and we are going to be the bestest friends ever!
7. I sure have left the house and put on outside clothes! – WTF? Of course I haven’t left the house if I didn’t have to! Outside clothes? Why would I put those on when I can stay here in my cave of wonders in yoga pants or pajama pants and a tank top? We know that I am about to run out of toilet paper, the food supplies are getting low, and I am still refusing to go to the store because it requires outside clothes. Yes honey, I have left the house to do all of the things. I am adulting like a pro!
8. Skypeing, yes, let’s do that! – OMG, I need to shower, brush my hair, and put on a top that is clean! Please let him give me an hour before he Skypes, or at least 5 minutes! I must move quickly and think clearly, being frantic will surely give me away! He cannot know that I haven’t had the time or the want to take care of myself in a normal people kind of way! Oh shit, I need some makeup to cover all the places on my face I have picked off because then my crazy will show and all the previous lies will be found out! Hi honey, it’s so good to see you! I am so glad you are somewhere that we can Skype. Don’t I look pretty?
9. (Insert holiday here) was fabulously awesome! – It wasn’t the same because you weren’t here. Said holiday sucked and it was a shit ton of work to pull this shit off. I stayed up all night trying to put shit together while the holiday entity gets credit (Santa, Easter bunny, Tooth Fairy, Illusive fuckers we have to pretend exist). I had to decorate, which is totally beyond me and we should all be happy that the bare minimum was done. Totally ecstatic that you weren’t here to help and let’s be thankful I put up the tree/Easter baskets/money under the pillow with a note/etc. Not to mention those packages you sent from Amazon that I had to wrap. Yes, Honey, the Holiday was great and thank you for sending the packages of gifts.
10. No, nothing has broken. – Everything has broken, because of course it would! I have now replaced the printer that went up in smoke, I have called the fire department for the Freon leaking refrigerator, I have replaced that damned refrigerator, the A/C broke and we had to wait a couple days for someone to come fix it which cost a million dollars, and I spent two days cutting back trees because there are black widow spiders on the porch from the neighbors jungle of a yard. Yes, all of that happened when he went on a remote tour. Thank god we didn’t die with the refrigerator and deadly spider infestation. No honey, nothing has broken and everything is fine. I have it all under control. I know who to call if something does go wrong.
11. I’m so glad you’re coming home for mid-tour! – Of course I’m glad to see him, but it crushes us all when he leaves again after only being home for a couple of days. When he comes for this brief visit I don’t even let him unpack his bags because right now he doesn’t live here and I don’t want to even get close to feeling like he’s staying. Please come home and ruin our routine, let us all shower you in our love, and then you go ahead and walk out again. Yes honey, I’m so over joyed you’re coming home to visit. We can’t wait to spend some time with you!
12. No, I haven’t been drinking. – Why the hell wouldn’t I be drinking? I have 2 kids that I’m single parenting, isn’t that reason enough to drink? Of course I’m on the third bottle of wine and amusing myself on the internet while talking to you as I am trying not to sound inebriated. I am sure I am being successful in fooling him and he doesn’t have any clue I have been drinking regularly and a good deal of our money is going to my booze habit. No honey, I haven’t been drinking the whole time you’ve been gone. Tonight I am just celebrating (insert whatever the reason here).
13. I am so glad you made a new friend with what’s her name. – What was her name again? I need to look her up on Facebook, make a voodoo doll, wish she gets face herpes, and send her a package of hate glitter (Thank you Manda for that little gem) because she is spending time with my best friend. I am sure she would get the message when she receives my hate glitter filled letter. Yes Honey, I am so glad you have a friend to make the time go by faster.
14. You’re having a few beers with some of the guys you knew from previous deployments/jobs, that’s so cool you get some down time. – You asshole! I am so glad you are living it up like a single person who gets to hang out with adult people. While here I am dealing with these crazy kids and single parenting. When you get home I am completely taking a vacation so I can have som time out drinking and laughing near a bon fire. Mommy needs a time out. Yes Honey, I am super glad you have friends and can relax a bit. 
15. Of course I’m not mad. – I am most likely frustrated by the situation and jealous of your freedom and may or may not be mad that you are on a semi-vacation. I mean what sane person wouldn’t want an intriguing jaunt into a foreign place where you can work-out all the time, eat shitty food, drink beer, and never knowing whats going on each minute. I want an adventure with all expenses paid (minus the possible POW status or possible death of course, but I try not to dwell on those possibilities and like to call it an extended vacation). No Honey, I would never be mad at you for doing your job and putting your life on the line for the good of our nation!
16. The bills are all paid of course. – Did I pay them all? Did I forget one? Did he even give me all the passwords for all the accounts or leave me a list? Probably not. I think I paid them, but I guess I’ll know when things start getting turned off or if I get little pink notices in the mail that instantly create panic because once again my adulting skills have failed to remind me of the important things that I was unaware of because time means nothing to me. Yes Honey, of course all the bills are paid. Why wouldn’t they be?

There are probably a few more lies that I have or will tell my husband, but there are a few for y’all to enjoy! Would you do the same? Have you done the same? You let me know and I’ll keep you all abreast of new lies I will be telling my husband this time he leaves.