I’m not sure how many of y’all shop at Ulta, but that place is literally the devil! Not only does it smell like a brothel and completely overwhelm you with the sheer amount of beauty products, but those damned Ulta girls are just the topper on the cake!

Now, let’s remember that I do the beach look to perfection. Tank top, jeans, flip flops, messy hair, and pretty much zero make up. Never ever walk into Ulta with no makeup on or if you are having an “ugly feeling” day. Ulta will not help you in any way.

I have horrible genes and don’t have a single clue what to do with makeup unless you want to look like a street walker. If so, I’d be happy to pencil you into my schedule. So here I am, looking like the perfect beach bum and go traipsing into Ulta for the very first time in my life.

I am immediately knocked off my feet by the amount of counters, racks, shelves, and tables of all kinds of body shit that I have no clue how to use or what they might be for. Side note: I went to Ulta cause my friend Manda said I needed a CC cream in my life immediately. She’s gorgeous so I consider her advice to be solid gold and do as instructed.

 

After regaining my wits I proceed to try to find the brand of cosmetics I’m looking for. About 2 minutes into this process I hear, “Are you finding everything okay?”, and me being me I instantly say “NO” with a hint of panic. When I finally see the face that the voice came from I guarantee my jaw dropped. I am now feeling like I look homeless, here she was the perfect and flawless Ulta Girl. No joke people!

She was about 3 inches taller than me with perfect hair, perfect makeup, the cutest glasses ever, perfect outfit with the accessory jewelry, and amazing boots! Damn you and your perfection. This girl did not even have a single blemish, pimple, or wrinkle to speak of. I immediately hated her. She didn’t even give me a pimple to make me like her. Not one single reason.

Ulta Girl then asked me what I needed and helped me find everything…until we got to the mascara. Why did I have to ask for new mascara? I could have lived with dry clumpy mascara a little longer. Instead I opened my mouth and she had to ask if I wanted it water proof. Me, “I don’t know, probably, does it rain here a lot?”. This then inspires her to ask me where I moved from, the fact that it does rain a lot, her boyfriend is also military and is a PJ (Of fucking course he is!!). PJ’s are those elite guys who jump out of planes to rescue people and shit. Of course Ulta Girl is dating one of those guys, OF COURSE.

Then to top it all off, she is going over how to use the CC cream I came in for and that I could set it with powder if needed (I still don’t know exactly what that means) and here it is, the kicker……..My skin doesn’t look bad. Shut your mouth while you’re ahead Ulta Girl! If you can’t say something nice about my skin you shouldn’t say anything at all, and you should never follow it up by stating you are almost the same age as I am. You bitch!

After this endeavor into Ulta and spending a million dollars to feel like I’m ugly and inept, I have decided it was all Ulta Girl’s fault. She put a wrench in my day to be honest. I literally blamed her for everything. I had some issues with school, it was Ulta Girl’s fault. The baby was cranky, Ulta Girl’s fault. #BlameItOnUltaGirl.

This is actually becoming a regular theme in my life. When someone irritates me it’s Ulta Girl’s fault. There is a girl in my nursing program who is just rude and nasty, we call her Ulta. On twitter my fellow friends who have gone to Ulta recently write me about how they are blaming their Ulta Girl’s for feeling shitty about the way they look or how much money they spent.

Due to Ulta Girl meddling in my life so much Matt feels that he should probably stop by Ulta and meet her or at least see her. Which is fine, go see that meddling heiffer, and buy me something nice from Ulta when you go. Also, I need a picture of her if you can snap a quick one. Thanks Honey, love you! Don’t worry what I need a picture for, just get me one!