Hey all! So the medication vacation didn’t work and here is what I have realized. Dun-Dun-Dun-Dun-Dun I am going through a depressive phase! I mean who the hell knew? I sure didn’t.

You never realize when your highs are SUPER high and your lows make you not want to exist what it would actually feel like to have normal people depression. Now don’t take that the wrong way, depression sucks and I’m not saying it’s not horrible for normal people. All I am saying is that this shit ain’t so bad for me compared to what I have previously experienced.

Things suck, life blows, there is no way out, and I am a total buzz kill right now but this shit ain’t so bad. I didn’t even know I was depressed until my therapist and shrink both told me that’s what this thing I couldn’t really describe was. So this is new and notable.

What was depression like before you ask? It was hell. Pure and utter hell. All I did was cry on my couch. I couldn’t leave my house, didn’t get dressed, didn’t shower. My OCD went absolutely wild and I had to clean everything absolutely spotless if I wasn’t paralyzed by the utter misery in my mind. I would ruminate on one topic for hours making myself more upset and finding no answers or solutions. I truly wanted to not exist (like ever). I didn’t think about suicide, I just wished I had never been born. The pit was bottomless.

Thankfully I only hit a depression once a year or so and spent most of my time being manic. Weeeeeeeeee! So this is absolutely new, and kind of interesting to my analytical little brain. I am not broken like I thought I was, I am just depressed. That’s extremely exciting news. I totally thought I was broken. Yay, not broken forever!

So as I was saying, This Shit Ain’t so Bad!

P.S. – Google “not so bad”.

P.P.S – here are some of the images it came up with for me.

Is it Joe? Is it? Spinach salad can be quite delicious but so are donuts dammit.

This totally made me laugh and made my day! I still have not been able to solve the cube without taking off the stickers and replacing them. Winning!

My chart would just be a big circle of what you find. So put that fucking wedge back in there with the rest of my surprises. No one likes to get short changed on surprises.

Who the hell is Kathy?

Is this a thing? Why does he look so awful about being naked? What is the purpose of your face?

How is this not so bad? That dog looks like he would love to hear me dropping some people food on the floor.

http://all-wishes.com/happy-merry-christmas-hanukkah-kwanzaa.html

Merry, Happy, Wonderful, Frohle, etc. Holiday? Just wanted to say I hope y’all had a great day! Not to mention add a fun and interesting flow chart that completely entertained me.

Lots of love,

Racheal

Update:

Started the medication vacation the day I wrote the posting about doing it (No, I have no clue what day that was and I’m too lazy to look). Nothing has changed. My life is still just as crazy and not a bit funner. It’s an absolute shame and sham. What happened to the good old days when a person could just stop meds and be happy, crazy, and carefree? Bah-Hum-Bug.

I have never been a Christmas person so this hasn’t changed either. Just a couple days until this horrible time of year is over and life goes back to normal. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas if you’re into that kind of thing.

P.S. – Yes my house still celebrates the holidays because kids.

As I was sitting here all gloom and doom about the horrible weather I started recapping the week in my head. While reviewing I stumbled upon the most fucked up thing that has happened to me in the past week and thought I would share. My mind is still saying WTF?!?!?!

A little back story here. There is a guy who works in the pharmacy and I am 100% sure he hated me because I get a little crazy about my pills when I go in. He used to run into the back when he would see me coming. Then about 2 months ago his kid got put into my kids class at the school. BAM, now he wants to be nice and chat with me. Good freaking lord, make the insanity stop.

Now here is this weeks pharmacy experience. I go in to pick up prescriptions for the tiny child who has bronchitis and is pissed because he just had a breathing treatment (because breathing is  a problem without the smoking machine I am trying to hold by his face as he screams and fights me) and there is the pharmacy guy. Of course, of course, he calls me up to the counter at his spot now that we are playing nice. What is the first thing he says to me? “So, I googled you!”.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! I think my eyes about popped out of my head when he said this. For one, this is not a good opener for any conversation. For two, you are a stalker. For three, WTF? I just stood there staring at him and I think I made him uncomfortable because then he starts babbling about how he was trying to figure out if I am a nurse, doctor, etc, and how he’s not a stalker. AGAIN, WTF?

Still, I am just staring at him at a total loss for words. Then, Then he says he saw I was going to college and wanted to know what I was studying! At this point my words came back to tell him that was weird and yes, very stalker-ish. What else do you say to your self-proclaimed stalker? Thank you? That’s such a lovely notion, I should make you aware I love tea sets from foreign countries and Blueberry vodka and lemonades just in case google didn’t tell you?

I am truly not sure if I should be flattered he would use my private information in the pharmacy database to google me and look at my Facebook or if I should be concerned. Then again concern seems appropriate because he had to tell me that he was stalking me. That right there proves he’s a bit crazy and wanted to make me aware that he is stalking me so he can have credit for all of his hard work in playing super sleuth.

Don’t worry, I googled me too and didn’t see anything really interesting or damning, but that’s definitely not the point! Oh, and I have to go back by the pharmacy again to pick up MY pills! Wish me luck.

Well, it’s that time of year where I am finally on Christmas break from school!!! A very much needed break from the stress, tests, and dark-thirty clinicals.

So Racheal, what are you going to do on this break? I am so glad you asked. I am contemplating a medication vacation. I am very careful about my meds while school is in, but I miss myself. I miss the creativity, the humor, and  all the things that are me. The real me.

If you are wondering what a medication vacation is it’s a span of time when a person doesn’t take their medications. Now this is the part where you say you don’t think this is a very good idea (Don’t worry my therapist said the same). And this is where I say “You’re not the boss of me.”

 

Now that my mind has been made up I am going to take a couple days to just be myself and actually like myself again without all the stress. Except the being a single parent with a deployed spouse, having a 3 year old who is testing my limits, a 13 year old who has nothing but attitude and back talk, and an uncle who just moved it because there were no other options. Nothing major or super stressful, right? I need a break.

Maybe with this break I can regain my sense of self and get a better handle on things. I hate being the Debbie-Downer, but with the husband gone for 8 months so far I am losing my sanity. Or am I? Maybe its more apt to say I’m losing my happy insanity. I’m losing my charm and charisma, and my happy has been missing for months. This isn’t like me and I don’t like who I’m becoming.

Back to the actual point. I am packing my bags full of medications so I can take this long awaited medication vacation. The bags being packed full of meds is for when the insanity gets to be too much. This always happens, I take the vacation and have fun for a few days until it gets to be too much and I start taking all of the pills again. 4 days til things get a bit overly crazy. 6 days til the hallucinations start. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe I will get a little bit more time. Lord knows I will start blogging more often during this vacation. Watch out blog, here we go.

I should not be allowed to blog!! I am so sorry my blog for letting you down. For finding myself too busy and neglecting you. I am the worst blogger ever. I have recently found myself so overwhelmed with school, kids, illness (mental and physical), and a deployed husband I haven’t had the time to properly devote to you. Please accept my most heartfelt apologies. I promise I will make it up to you.

Love,

Racheal