http://geekologie.com/2013/03/electroluminescent-wire-light-up-neck-ti.php

No that picture is not of me!!! But I may actually need this bra! Just an FYI.

So I went to see my primary care guy. Captain Anonymous. He really is a Captain, but Anonymous is not his last name. I had to get a physical for school. So, any who, they give me this sheet to fill out for why I’m there and allergies and shit. One section asks about surgeries and hospitalizations. So of course I put my BA on there.

Now look people, don’t judge. I had it done to cover up some chest wall deformities in lieu of having my sternum and ribs torn apart with garden tools. Yes, that’s right, garden tools. They would cut my chest bones into little bits and wire me back together. Which totally didn’t sound appealing with a 6-12 month recovery time. So I opted for the 3 day recovery. So, when I say my boobs came with the package, I truly mean they were a package deal. Kinda like a two for one, BOGO boobs.

So I get taken back and run through all the formalities with the technician of all my signs/symptoms and shit and then he leaves to get the Captain. A few minutes later this young tech comes back in to ask me what a BA is, so I inform him it’s a breast augmentation, to which he smiles, looks a bit embarrassed, and proceeds to look at my boobs. Cute little guy that he is I had to laugh.

When Captain A comes in I let him know if he was fooling with the tech he did a mighty fine job. He just smiles and gives me the guilty look. Well played Captain A.

I had been dying to see Captain A because he has a super awesome cochlear implant and let me tell you, I needed more information. I mean who the shit wouldn’t want to know? I told him while he checked me over that he needed to tell me about his neat little device.

You know what, the outer piece is NOT surgically implanted!! Who knew? Instead he has a magnet inside of his head that holds the little outer device on. So he’s kind of like a refrigerator with a decorative magnet! He explained how he lost his hearing and that if I ever wanted to lose my hearing to add a cochlear device to my bucket list. To which I replied “Nah, I’ll add that to the Fuckit List”.  My life literally fits into 2 lists, the bucket list of fun things and the fickit list of not fun things.

He tells me thanks for that little tid bit because now every time he thinks of a bucket list it’s going to be replaced with the fuckit list. You’re welcome Captain A. Since he shared so many fun facts with me I thought it best to share some fun facts of my own. Fair trades and all, ya know?

So I tell him that when you put a flash light to my boobs they glow!! A friend told me about this and I totally thought he was messing with me til I tried it. In essence my boobs refract light instead of absorbing it! How fun is that? It will make for an awesome party trick!

Captain A. suggested that I should get some little LED lights to put in my bra for parties! Fucking brilliance Captain A! My life will never be the same. I am going to get different lights for every holiday. Red and Green glow boobs for Christmas, red and blue glow boobs for July 4, etc. This is going to be awesome!!!! Thank you Captain A!

This whole physical totally made my week. I left in a super excited mood knowing that now I must leave and go buy LED lights STAT! I think I need a glow boob song to go with my trick. Something like the Glow Little Glow Worm song:

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Boobies don’t you wander

Your shine makes us even more of a wonder.

Shine boobies, glimmer, glimmer

Hey there, don’t get dimmer, dimmer.

I don’t have any more batteries in my pocket.

And I can’t plug you into the light socket.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

You get the gist. Week has been made!

To start this blog off I need to tell you all I never leave my house if I don’t absolutely have too. This is my life, I stay home until I am forced to go into the real world and wear my “outside clothes”. Today, I actually left TWICE! I needed stuff….So I put on my outside clothes and went out into the world and left my happy cave full of wonders.

THIS is what I saw at the grocery store!

I have a flag for that!

 This person LITERALLY has a flag for almost any occasion. I can imagine his buddy saying “Hey man, you know Christmas is coming soon.” and his response will automatically be, “Don’t worry, I have a flag for that!”. I wonder if he changes them out by the season or if he keeps the same ones up all year? I really wanted to ask questions, but didn’t know who it belonged too. I did however, get that fabulous picture.

I mean, who the hell wouldn’t want 6 flags in the back of their truck? It’s certainly cheaper than going to Six Flags Theme park! He just saved himself a couple hundred dollars in park passes, and however much in gas! This shit could only be legal in the South. There is no other place on the earth quite like the South, trust me on that, cause I’m not from here and it astounds the shit out of me!

The other big thing in the South is drunk driving. Now mind you it’s still not legal, but its highly promoted. EVERYONE here drives drunk! What the shit? One of the guys my husband knows told us that if you don’t drink something is wrong with you! A little back story, we went to a get together at a guys house for a retirement party when this other fellow told us about how something must be wrong with us. So, all around us are adults getting wasted, who don’t live at this house, knowing full well that they are going to have to drive home soon.

My husband doesn’t drink because it gives him horrible migraines, and me…..well, you just never know what you’re going to get if I drink! Not to mention I refuse to drink any amount of alcohol and drive anywhere. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! So I figured out the next time we decide to go to one of these “parties” I’ll stop taking my meds 2 days prior and make sure I drink as much as everyone else so that we make sure they never ask us to drink again!

They had me at Jail!!

They will either get happy crazy or horrible crazy. Both tend to scare the shit out of people. Either way Hubby can stay sober and drive me home and we will no longer be the “Odd Couple”. We can be socially accepted and asked not to drink. I mean who the fuck promotes drinking and driving? How does not drinking equate to something is wrong with you? I’m just waiting for these “good ol’ boys” to get DUI’s.

The guy with the truck probably has a flag for that shit too! “I got my drunk flag up boys! Time for me to drive my ass home!”. Surely the cops would never notice that shit. The next time I see that truck I am going to have to ask about the flags and if they ever get changed so I can let y’all know!

Looks like it’s blog-thirty, and it’s about time I wrote something down. Life has been a bit boring here. I have been selling off all of the furniture I no longer want, and have started peopling. I have spoken to people that I didn’t even know who paid me to come take away my junk! Now this is a pretty awesome job. I don’t have to lift, haul, tote, carry, or load any bit of it. I just have to take someones money and let then have whatever it is they came for.

One of the ladies I sold some stuff to called me her “Furniture God Mother”, has a nice ring to it! I am trying to furnish her whole place, and thankfully she wants to take my stuff!! Now I need a wand…and I need a nice one, not one of those cheap plastic ones. I want a fancy one with crystals, ribbons, and utterly ridiculous nonsense that would perfectly suit me.There is no reason to do anything half-assed.

I have firmly decided a philosophy class is not for me. I am in one, but its a crazy mess. I read the writings of these great philosophers and apparently my perception of what they are trying to say is not anywhere close to what the quizzes want me to interpret. I though philosophy was based upon debate and differing views? How in the hell am I supposed to have an opinion and my own critical thinking skills if you are going to tell me that there is only one way to think about it? This is bullshit. I do great in the discussions and readings, but crap in the quizzes. Maybe I should write the Professor and tell him that this method of teaching philosophy is unacceptable?

My friend just sent me that little basketball on Facebook….let’s just say that I touched it like she told me to. Which then commenced the most horrible little virtual basketball game that I just cannot get a good score on. The she tells me she got a whopping 29 points. To which I replied ” Yeah, well fuck you and your stealthy fingers”. I do not have any kind of stealth, not even in my fingers. All of me has the “like an elephant” lack of stealth. Why the hell do I not have this skill? Where can I get some? Fucking stealthy fingers.

One thing I have figured out during all this selling of my crap, is that people think I’m funny. When they come to my house not only do they get stuff but they also end up laughing a lot in my driveway. One lady even got a text while she was here asking if she was safe. I immediately told her to write “dead, stuffed under the bed.” no wait “dead. In the attic” or even “dead. In the back yard”. By the way, she would never, ever be put in the attic because who the hell is going to drag the body up those stairs? Not this girl! Plus it would stain my garage, and who wants to try to get the blood smears out of there? You literally couldn’t even clean those properly right now because of all the stuff in the garage that I’m trying to sell! So, the attic is out. It would probably be the back yard. There is no grass out there so it would be easy peasy to bury someone out there.

She asked me if I had planned out killing someone, I told her not until she mentioned it. She thinks I’m funny. We also discussed getting together again to have slug races. We would make a little maze on the driveway with salt and each have a slug to put into the maze/race. The slug that made it the furthest or all the way out would win. We are also talking about using Christmas lights along the salted lines to help us see when it gets dark and makes the race all the more interesting But no blinking lights, or multi-colored lights. Those drive me crazy, for one, just one color please! It’s more aesthetically pleasing and doesn’t make a person feel a little panicky. The blinking thing is annoying and makes you feel like you’re rapidly blinking. Sorry but that’s not going to work during slug racing. She and I may actually do this, and if so I’ll take pictures….or maybe she just thought it was a funny idea and doesn’t really want to do it? Either way I’ll probably still set up my little maze, poor slugs, I feel a bit bad about using them for my amusement with their deaths. I think I will substitute the salt with sand. I have plenty in my no-grass backyard.

Yes! My backyard has just a little strip of grass along the edge of the house and porch, other than that its just DIRT! Who the hell sells you a house without grass?!? Don’t worry I highly questioned this before the purchase (another reason why the trailer may have been better. It surely would have come with grass on all sides). I was told that these houses are only allotted so much sod per house. Apparently all of ours was used in the front and sides and none was left over for the backyard. Poor sad backyard. I really do need grass and am thinking about getting it Dick and Jane style. Go to other people’s yards and cut out a piece to take home and do this until I have a whole backyard of grass. Good plan, this may have to start tomorrow.

Talking about the lack of grass. We were at Wal-Mart the other night, Matt and I. He starts looking at one of the above ground pools which can fit a whole family but is shallow enough for tiny people.

Matt: We need one of these at the new house.

Me: DYING LAUGHING

Matt: What?

Me: We aren’t getting a pool right now.

Matt: Why not?

Me: You want our kids to go play in a pool in the dirt? You want a muddy pool and muddy children? Did you forget WE HAVE NO GRASS?

Matt: Oh….

I am sorry, but muddy dogs, children, and whoever else may be walking back there are not allowed in the house. I will not be swimming in a mud hole, I am Low Class Fancy. It’s not allowed in these parts. Had he gone along with my idea we could have had a yard full of grass and a mud hole to play in. Not to mention fainting goats and roaming chickens. Right now the mud hole is a no go right along with the animals Matt won’t let me have.

So, I mentioned that I was getting a new therapist in a previous blog. She is Ah-mazing. I also liked the old therapist til she started her shenanigans, but this one is better! She is like a comfy pair of sweats, and not in a bad way. Not meaning that they are worn out, probably smelly from not washing them so often because they are always on your ass, or that you wouldn’t want anyone to see you in them. I mean that she is comfortable, something to look forward to, and she smells just fine.

I am a rambler. I tend to try to fit everything I need to say in the shortest period of time possible, and I hate uncomfortable silences with new people. So I tend to spout everything all at once, and most likely incoherently, when I first meet people. Which makes me look even crazier than I am and when I get home I feel like I may have just scared that person half to death. Only half to dead because apparently they didn’t literally die in my presence.

She never made me feel like I was “too much”. She listened even when I went over my allotted time. She didn’t try to kick me out of her office when time was up or even before time was up. She was kind and didn’t make me feel like my mind is a traitor that tries to sabotage me every time I meet someone new. I always say to my self “Next time you will keep your mouth shut and try to contain your discomfort so you don’t scare people away. You will be on your best behavior. You will not ramble or talk about some nonsense that some people don’t think is near as funny as you are. You will not behave inappropriately according to normal peoples standards.” Then real life happens and my mind says “Fuck all that, you are just going to be you. Fuck what they think and if they can’t handle this shit they can’t handle being your friend”. Just like when I met her, and I told her I was born a disappointment. I believe she was a bit startled by the honesty and frankness of my statement, but she was okay with it and my thoughts of that statement. I told her about how I almost lost my shit at the pharmacy that very morning and that I was seriously contemplating something that may or may not have included stabbing someone, and she didn’t run screaming.

I think this time it will work out. I have only ever had two mental health people that I have liked and they were both in Germany. The therapist I first ever truly loved was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She truly liked me, and I was able to trust her. Then the military decided to be assholes and fire her! What the fuck? And they did this right when I needed her the most. Then they told me I was REQUIRED to see another therapist. At that point I completely threw a temper tantrum (full blown crying, screaming, one foot stamp, and dying inside) and ABSOLUTELY refused.

I am crazy, and you WILL NOT tell me what I have to do with my own mental healthcare. You cannot make me take my meds or require me to do anything. Learn your role military mental health people! The other person I truly liked was my prescribing psychologist who also became my therapist when the other one was fired. She is funny, witty, and SUPER smart. I like that in a person. I saw her until I left Germany and tried to convince her to move with me. To which she refused telling me she hated the South. I really can’t blame her, at least she knows what does and doesn’t work for her. I still wish she were here or that I could talk to her about how life is going here.

Instead I have a new therapist who may just be the one for me here in Georgia. Keep your fingers crossed that this works out better than the last.