Deployment Lies

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Matt, DO NOT read this blog!

One of my blogger friends recently posted about lies she tells, which you can read the whole posting on her page at https://buffaloschnitzel.wordpress.com/2016/05/04/my-lies-are-white-or-neon-green/#more-469. In response to her posting I told her that I lie to my husband when he’s deployed.

I have a strict policy of no lying in general, but sometimes you just have to lie. Buffaloschnitzel requested that I do a posting on lies I tell my husband when he is deployed. Now, military wives I know you all do this (and if not something is seriously wrong with you!). These lies are not only for deployments but also TDY’s and Remote tours.

My husband has enough to worry about when he is gone so I don’t feel it’s necessary to add to his stress load. He shouldn’t have to worry about me and the kids when he really needs to worry about himself. So, I lie. Here are some of the lies I tell him during those times.

  1. I’m fine. – He asks me how I am and I can’t help but say I’m fine even when my world is falling apart around me. The kids are being maniacs, everything in the house is breaking, and I am alone. Yes honey, I’m fine.
  2. Yes, I’ve taken my meds. – He asks because he loves me and wants to make sure I’m not falling off the wagon without his adult super vision. When he asks I have to try to think if I have or have not taken them, which sometimes I forget. I suck at adulting and lifeing, but he doesn’t need to worry about my sanity or if I am putting myself in dangerous situations. Yes honey, I have been taking my meds and I appreciate you caring about my well being.
  3. Of course I miss you, but this is what I signed on for. – My soul has been crushed, my best friend is gone, I am bored without him, and I am alone with maniac kids. He needs to know that I love him and support him no matter what.  Telling him how much his lack of presence makes my soul ache doesn’t help him in any way and will only make him feel guilty and sad. Yes honey, I miss you and can’t wait for you to come home. I knew you would be gone for extended amounts of time when I married you.
  4. No, I haven’t done anything crazy or gotten into trouble. – Why does he need to know that I may or may not have done something that almost got me arrested? I only screamed at the people in the pharmacy for fucking up my prescriptions once again. I’m sure that they won’t e-mail you because they already know I’m crazy or I wouldn’t need these pills. Thankfully Security Forces wasn’t called. No honey, I have been on my very best behavior.
  5. The kids have been great! – Who the hell are we kidding? The kids are maniacs and are going to give me a heart attack. They are terrorists in disguise! The big one (well y’all know about that) has issues and may possibly be plotting her next revenge scheme, and the little one climbs shit, screams the house down, and wants to play in the oven. Yes honey, the kids have been great. The wonderful little beings that they are.
  6. I have friends now. – This generally means I spoke to a sales associate somewhere, talked to the person at the door trying to sell me something, or that I have talked on the phone with one of my friends that lives a million miles away. I know he wants me to have “real life friends”, but I don’t have the easiest time with that. Friend dating is the pits and every time I make a friend it’s time to move. Yes honey, I met this lovely girl and we are going to be the bestest friends ever!
  7. I sure have left the house and put on outside clothes! – WTF? Of course I haven’t left the house if I didn’t have to! Outside clothes? Why would I put those on when I can stay here in my cave of wonders in yoga pants or pajama pants and a tank top? We know that I am about to run out of toilet paper, the food supplies are getting low, and I am still refusing to go to the store because it requires outside clothes. Yes honey, I have left the house to do all of the things. I am adulting like a pro!
  8. Skypeing, yes, let’s do that! – OMG, I need to shower, brush my hair, and put on a top that is clean! Please let him give me an hour before he Skypes, or at least 5 minutes! I must move quickly and think clearly, being frantic will surely give me away! He cannot know that I haven’t had the time or the want to take care of myself in a normal people kind of way! Oh shit, I need some makeup to cover all the places on my face I have picked off because then my crazy will show and all the previous lies will be found out! Hi honey, it’s so good to see you! I am so glad you are somewhere that we can Skype. Don’t I look pretty?
  9. (Insert holiday here) was fabulously awesome! – It wasn’t the same because you weren’t here. Said holiday sucked and it was a shit ton of work to pull this shit off. I stayed up all night trying to put shit together while the holiday entity gets credit (Santa, Easter bunny, Tooth Fairy, Illusive fuckers we have to pretend exist). I had to decorate, which is totally beyond me and we should all be happy that the bare minimum was done. Totally ecstatic that you weren’t here to help and let’s be thankful I put up the tree/Easter baskets/money under the pillow with a note/etc. Not to mention those packages you sent from Amazon that I had to wrap. Yes, Honey, the Holiday was great and thank you for sending the packages of gifts.
  10. No, nothing has broken. – Everything has broken, because of course it would! I have now replaced the printer that went up in smoke, I have called the fire department for the Freon leaking refrigerator, I have replaced that damned refrigerator, the A/C broke and we had to wait a couple days for someone to come fix it which cost a million dollars, and I spent two days cutting back trees because there are black widow spiders on the porch from the neighbors jungle of a yard. Yes, all of that happened when he went on a remote tour. Thank god we didn’t die with the refrigerator and deadly spider infestation. No honey, nothing has broken and everything is fine. I have it all under control. I know who to call if something does go wrong.
  11. I’m so glad you’re coming home for mid-tour! – Of course I’m glad to see him, but it crushes us all when he leaves again after only being home for a couple of days. When he comes for this brief visit I don’t even let him unpack his bags because right now he doesn’t live here and I don’t want to even get close to feeling like he’s staying. Please come home and ruin our routine, let us all shower you in our love, and then you go ahead and walk out again. Yes honey, I’m so over joyed you’re coming home to visit. We can’t wait to spend some time with you!
  12. No, I haven’t been drinking. – Why the hell wouldn’t I be drinking? I have 2 kids that I’m single parenting, isn’t that reason enough to drink? Of course I’m on the third bottle of wine and amusing myself on the internet while talking to you as I am trying not to sound inebriated. I am sure I am being successful in fooling him and he doesn’t have any clue I have been drinking regularly and a good deal of our money is going to my booze habit. No honey, I haven’t been drinking the whole time you’ve been gone. Tonight I am just celebrating (insert whatever the reason here).
  13. I am so glad you made a new friend with what’s her name. – What was her name again? I need to look her up on Facebook, make a voodoo doll, wish she gets face herpes, and send her a package of hate glitter (Thank you Manda for that little gem) because she is spending time with my best friend. I am sure she would get the message when she receives my hate glitter filled letter. Yes Honey, I am so glad you have a friend to make the time go by faster.
  14. You’re having a few beers with some of the guys you knew from previous deployments/jobs, that’s so cool you get some down time. – You asshole! I am so glad you are living it up like a single person who gets to hang out with adult people. While here I am dealing with these crazy kids and single parenting. When you get home I am completely taking a vacation so I can have som time out drinking and laughing near a bon fire. Mommy needs a time out. Yes Honey, I am super glad you have friends and can relax a bit. 
  15. Of course I’m not mad. – I am most likely frustrated by the situation and jealous of your freedom and may or may not be mad that you are on a semi-vacation. I mean what sane person wouldn’t want an intriguing jaunt into a foreign place where you can work-out all the time, eat shitty food, drink beer, and never knowing whats going on each minute. I want an adventure with all expenses paid (minus the possible POW status or possible death of course, but I try not to dwell on those possibilities and like to call it an extended vacation). No Honey, I would never be mad at you for doing your job and putting your life on the line for the good of our nation!
  16. The bills are all paid of course. – Did I pay them all? Did I forget one? Did he even give me all the passwords for all the accounts or leave me a list? Probably not. I think I paid them, but I guess I’ll know when things start getting turned off or if I get little pink notices in the mail that instantly create panic because once again my adulting skills have failed to remind me of the important things that I was unaware of because time means nothing to me. Yes Honey, of course all the bills are paid. Why wouldn’t they be?

There are probably a few more lies that I have or will tell my husband, but there are a few for y’all to enjoy! Would you do the same? Have you done the same? You let me know and I’ll keep you all abreast of new lies I will be telling my husband this time he leaves.

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Gender Fluid

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I keep seeing fun things online today! One of them was gender fluid. Which completely boggled my mind, and not due to the definition of this term. The definition of gender fluid per Urban Dictionary-

Gender Fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days.Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation.
No, I’m not a boy, and I’m not a girl either. I am gender fluid.
When I read gender fluid, I immediately want to go to the store and ask for some.
“Excuse me sir, can I please have your largest bottle of gender fluid?”
“Ma’am, you sure can! Would you like male, female, or half-and-half?”
“I will take an extra large skim female, and a small almond half-and-half for my tea. Thank you very much!”
I am 100% sure this shit will make me awesome and will taste delicious. This is not to say I’m hating on anyone who is described as gender fluid, just that this term sparks a liter of drink-able gender fluid to my mind.
I am one of those people that doesn’t see the point in naming all of the genders or sexual orientations. I think we should stop at species and be happy. You are a dog, you are a cat, your are a human. Good now y’all go do appropriate things for your species. The dog will then go lick itself in a corner, the cat will go terrorize some human, and the human will walk around talking about how bored they are. BAM, classifications done! I see no difference from one person to the next outside of personality. So this leads to a sub category of asshole and non asshole. Look we have just categorized every human, easy peasy.
“Sir can I change my order please?”
“Yes ma’am, what can I do for you?”
“I would like to make that an extra large skim non-asshole female, and a small almond dash of asshole half-and-half please.”
“Ma’am are you sure you want the dash of asshole in that half-and-half?”
“Yes sir, I have to deal with [ Insert coworkers, people, or children here] all day so I am going to need a small dash of asshole in my tea to make it through the day.”
“Yes, ma’am I completely understand and like a bit of asshole in my own coffee each morning.”
I know at least one person who reads this will be offended, but ya know, it’s that dash of asshole. I think when I ask for this at the store I will also ask for some blinker fluid for my eyes!
 vtscypb2rrpy67wrkwh9
Per Urban Dictionary –
Blinker Fluid is an imaginary liquid used in automobiles (to make the blinkers work). This term is used as a sarcastic remark toward someone who knows absolutely nothing about cars.
Bob: “My car’s broken again. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
Jon: “Did you check the blinker fluid?”

Cochlear Implants and Glow Boobs

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glow-bra

http://geekologie.com/2013/03/electroluminescent-wire-light-up-neck-ti.php

No that picture is not of me!!! But I may actually need this bra! Just an FYI.

So I went to see my primary care guy. Captain Anonymous. He really is a Captain, but Anonymous is not his last name. I had to get a physical for school. So, any who, they give me this sheet to fill out for why I’m there and allergies and shit. One section asks about surgeries and hospitalizations. So of course I put my BA on there.

Now look people, don’t judge. I had it done to cover up some chest wall deformities in lieu of having my sternum and ribs torn apart with garden tools. Yes, that’s right, garden tools. They would cut my chest bones into little bits and wire me back together. Which totally didn’t sound appealing with a 6-12 month recovery time. So I opted for the 3 day recovery. So, when I say my boobs came with the package, I truly mean they were a package deal. Kinda like a two for one, BOGO boobs.

So I get taken back and run through all the formalities with the technician of all my signs/symptoms and shit and then he leaves to get the Captain. A few minutes later this young tech comes back in to ask me what a BA is, so I inform him it’s a breast augmentation, to which he smiles, looks a bit embarrassed, and proceeds to look at my boobs. Cute little guy that he is I had to laugh.

When Captain A comes in I let him know if he was fooling with the tech he did a mighty fine job. He just smiles and gives me the guilty look. Well played Captain A.

I had been dying to see Captain A because he has a super awesome cochlear implant and let me tell you, I needed more information. I mean who the shit wouldn’t want to know? I told him while he checked me over that he needed to tell me about his neat little device.

You know what, the outer piece is NOT surgically implanted!! Who knew? Instead he has a magnet inside of his head that holds the little outer device on. So he’s kind of like a refrigerator with a decorative magnet! He explained how he lost his hearing and that if I ever wanted to lose my hearing to add a cochlear device to my bucket list. To which I replied “Nah, I’ll add that to the Fuckit List”.  My life literally fits into 2 lists, the bucket list of fun things and the fickit list of not fun things.

He tells me thanks for that little tid bit because now every time he thinks of a bucket list it’s going to be replaced with the fuckit list. You’re welcome Captain A. Since he shared so many fun facts with me I thought it best to share some fun facts of my own. Fair trades and all, ya know?

So I tell him that when you put a flash light to my boobs they glow!! A friend told me about this and I totally thought he was messing with me til I tried it. In essence my boobs refract light instead of absorbing it! How fun is that? It will make for an awesome party trick!

Captain A. suggested that I should get some little LED lights to put in my bra for parties! Fucking brilliance Captain A! My life will never be the same. I am going to get different lights for every holiday. Red and Green glow boobs for Christmas, red and blue glow boobs for July 4, etc. This is going to be awesome!!!! Thank you Captain A!

This whole physical totally made my week. I left in a super excited mood knowing that now I must leave and go buy LED lights STAT! I think I need a glow boob song to go with my trick. Something like the Glow Little Glow Worm song:

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

Boobies don’t you wander

Your shine makes us even more of a wonder.

Shine boobies, glimmer, glimmer

Hey there, don’t get dimmer, dimmer.

I don’t have any more batteries in my pocket.

And I can’t plug you into the light socket.

Glow little boobies, glimmer, glimmer.

 

You get the gist. Week has been made!

Flag for that

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To start this blog off I need to tell you all I never leave my house if I don’t absolutely have too. This is my life, I stay home until I am forced to go into the real world and wear my “outside clothes”. Today, I actually left TWICE! I needed stuff….So I put on my outside clothes and went out into the world and left my happy cave full of wonders.

THIS is what I saw at the grocery store!

I have a flag for that!

 This person LITERALLY has a flag for almost any occasion. I can imagine his buddy saying “Hey man, you know Christmas is coming soon.” and his response will automatically be, “Don’t worry, I have a flag for that!”. I wonder if he changes them out by the season or if he keeps the same ones up all year? I really wanted to ask questions, but didn’t know who it belonged too. I did however, get that fabulous picture.

I mean, who the hell wouldn’t want 6 flags in the back of their truck? It’s certainly cheaper than going to Six Flags Theme park! He just saved himself a couple hundred dollars in park passes, and however much in gas! This shit could only be legal in the South. There is no other place on the earth quite like the South, trust me on that, cause I’m not from here and it astounds the shit out of me!

The other big thing in the South is drunk driving. Now mind you it’s still not legal, but its highly promoted. EVERYONE here drives drunk! What the shit? One of the guys my husband knows told us that if you don’t drink something is wrong with you! A little back story, we went to a get together at a guys house for a retirement party when this other fellow told us about how something must be wrong with us. So, all around us are adults getting wasted, who don’t live at this house, knowing full well that they are going to have to drive home soon.

My husband doesn’t drink because it gives him horrible migraines, and me…..well, you just never know what you’re going to get if I drink! Not to mention I refuse to drink any amount of alcohol and drive anywhere. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! So I figured out the next time we decide to go to one of these “parties” I’ll stop taking my meds 2 days prior and make sure I drink as much as everyone else so that we make sure they never ask us to drink again!

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They had me at Jail!!

They will either get happy crazy or horrible crazy. Both tend to scare the shit out of people. Either way Hubby can stay sober and drive me home and we will no longer be the “Odd Couple”. We can be socially accepted and asked not to drink. I mean who the fuck promotes drinking and driving? How does not drinking equate to something is wrong with you? I’m just waiting for these “good ol’ boys” to get DUI’s.

The guy with the truck probably has a flag for that shit too! “I got my drunk flag up boys! Time for me to drive my ass home!”. Surely the cops would never notice that shit. The next time I see that truck I am going to have to ask about the flags and if they ever get changed so I can let y’all know!

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Furniture and mud holes.

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Looks like it’s blog-thirty, and it’s about time I wrote something down. Life has been a bit boring here. I have been selling off all of the furniture I no longer want, and have started peopling. I have spoken to people that I didn’t even know who paid me to come take away my junk! Now this is a pretty awesome job. I don’t have to lift, haul, tote, carry, or load any bit of it. I just have to take someones money and let then have whatever it is they came for.

One of the ladies I sold some stuff to called me her “Furniture God Mother”, has a nice ring to it! I am trying to furnish her whole place, and thankfully she wants to take my stuff!! Now I need a wand…and I need a nice one, not one of those cheap plastic ones. I want a fancy one with crystals, ribbons, and utterly ridiculous nonsense that would perfectly suit me.There is no reason to do anything half-assed.

I have firmly decided a philosophy class is not for me. I am in one, but its a crazy mess. I read the writings of these great philosophers and apparently my perception of what they are trying to say is not anywhere close to what the quizzes want me to interpret. I though philosophy was based upon debate and differing views? How in the hell am I supposed to have an opinion and my own critical thinking skills if you are going to tell me that there is only one way to think about it? This is bullshit. I do great in the discussions and readings, but crap in the quizzes. Maybe I should write the Professor and tell him that this method of teaching philosophy is unacceptable?

My friend just sent me that little basketball on Facebook….let’s just say that I touched it like she told me to. Which then commenced the most horrible little virtual basketball game that I just cannot get a good score on. The she tells me she got a whopping 29 points. To which I replied ” Yeah, well fuck you and your stealthy fingers”. I do not have any kind of stealth, not even in my fingers. All of me has the “like an elephant” lack of stealth. Why the hell do I not have this skill? Where can I get some? Fucking stealthy fingers.

One thing I have figured out during all this selling of my crap, is that people think I’m funny. When they come to my house not only do they get stuff but they also end up laughing a lot in my driveway. One lady even got a text while she was here asking if she was safe. I immediately told her to write “dead, stuffed under the bed.” no wait “dead. In the attic” or even “dead. In the back yard”. By the way, she would never, ever be put in the attic because who the hell is going to drag the body up those stairs? Not this girl! Plus it would stain my garage, and who wants to try to get the blood smears out of there? You literally couldn’t even clean those properly right now because of all the stuff in the garage that I’m trying to sell! So, the attic is out. It would probably be the back yard. There is no grass out there so it would be easy peasy to bury someone out there.

She asked me if I had planned out killing someone, I told her not until she mentioned it. She thinks I’m funny. We also discussed getting together again to have slug races. We would make a little maze on the driveway with salt and each have a slug to put into the maze/race. The slug that made it the furthest or all the way out would win. We are also talking about using Christmas lights along the salted lines to help us see when it gets dark and makes the race all the more interesting But no blinking lights, or multi-colored lights. Those drive me crazy, for one, just one color please! It’s more aesthetically pleasing and doesn’t make a person feel a little panicky. The blinking thing is annoying and makes you feel like you’re rapidly blinking. Sorry but that’s not going to work during slug racing. She and I may actually do this, and if so I’ll take pictures….or maybe she just thought it was a funny idea and doesn’t really want to do it? Either way I’ll probably still set up my little maze, poor slugs, I feel a bit bad about using them for my amusement with their deaths. I think I will substitute the salt with sand. I have plenty in my no-grass backyard.

Yes! My backyard has just a little strip of grass along the edge of the house and porch, other than that its just DIRT! Who the hell sells you a house without grass?!? Don’t worry I highly questioned this before the purchase (another reason why the trailer may have been better. It surely would have come with grass on all sides). I was told that these houses are only allotted so much sod per house. Apparently all of ours was used in the front and sides and none was left over for the backyard. Poor sad backyard. I really do need grass and am thinking about getting it Dick and Jane style. Go to other people’s yards and cut out a piece to take home and do this until I have a whole backyard of grass. Good plan, this may have to start tomorrow.

Talking about the lack of grass. We were at Wal-Mart the other night, Matt and I. He starts looking at one of the above ground pools which can fit a whole family but is shallow enough for tiny people.

Matt: We need one of these at the new house.

Me: DYING LAUGHING

Matt: What?

Me: We aren’t getting a pool right now.

Matt: Why not?

Me: You want our kids to go play in a pool in the dirt? You want a muddy pool and muddy children? Did you forget WE HAVE NO GRASS?

Matt: Oh….

I am sorry, but muddy dogs, children, and whoever else may be walking back there are not allowed in the house. I will not be swimming in a mud hole, I am Low Class Fancy. It’s not allowed in these parts. Had he gone along with my idea we could have had a yard full of grass and a mud hole to play in. Not to mention fainting goats and roaming chickens. Right now the mud hole is a no go right along with the animals Matt won’t let me have.

 

 

The New Therapist

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So, I mentioned that I was getting a new therapist in a previous blog. She is Ah-mazing. I also liked the old therapist til she started her shenanigans, but this one is better! She is like a comfy pair of sweats, and not in a bad way. Not meaning that they are worn out, probably smelly from not washing them so often because they are always on your ass, or that you wouldn’t want anyone to see you in them. I mean that she is comfortable, something to look forward to, and she smells just fine.

I am a rambler. I tend to try to fit everything I need to say in the shortest period of time possible, and I hate uncomfortable silences with new people. So I tend to spout everything all at once, and most likely incoherently, when I first meet people. Which makes me look even crazier than I am and when I get home I feel like I may have just scared that person half to death. Only half to dead because apparently they didn’t literally die in my presence.

She never made me feel like I was “too much”. She listened even when I went over my allotted time. She didn’t try to kick me out of her office when time was up or even before time was up. She was kind and didn’t make me feel like my mind is a traitor that tries to sabotage me every time I meet someone new. I always say to my self “Next time you will keep your mouth shut and try to contain your discomfort so you don’t scare people away. You will be on your best behavior. You will not ramble or talk about some nonsense that some people don’t think is near as funny as you are. You will not behave inappropriately according to normal peoples standards.” Then real life happens and my mind says “Fuck all that, you are just going to be you. Fuck what they think and if they can’t handle this shit they can’t handle being your friend”. Just like when I met her, and I told her I was born a disappointment. I believe she was a bit startled by the honesty and frankness of my statement, but she was okay with it and my thoughts of that statement. I told her about how I almost lost my shit at the pharmacy that very morning and that I was seriously contemplating something that may or may not have included stabbing someone, and she didn’t run screaming.

I think this time it will work out. I have only ever had two mental health people that I have liked and they were both in Germany. The therapist I first ever truly loved was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She truly liked me, and I was able to trust her. Then the military decided to be assholes and fire her! What the fuck? And they did this right when I needed her the most. Then they told me I was REQUIRED to see another therapist. At that point I completely threw a temper tantrum (full blown crying, screaming, one foot stamp, and dying inside) and ABSOLUTELY refused.

I am crazy, and you WILL NOT tell me what I have to do with my own mental healthcare. You cannot make me take my meds or require me to do anything. Learn your role military mental health people! The other person I truly liked was my prescribing psychologist who also became my therapist when the other one was fired. She is funny, witty, and SUPER smart. I like that in a person. I saw her until I left Germany and tried to convince her to move with me. To which she refused telling me she hated the South. I really can’t blame her, at least she knows what does and doesn’t work for her. I still wish she were here or that I could talk to her about how life is going here.

Instead I have a new therapist who may just be the one for me here in Georgia. Keep your fingers crossed that this works out better than the last.