I Didn’t Die After All


I didn’t die! Let us all rejoice (spellcheck says that’s spelled correctly, but it looks funny). I was surprisingly quiet, well contained, and made it through my very first day of work. Thank you all for wishing me the best!



Yay for being a nurse…now I have to go to work (OMG, WHY HAVE I DONE THIS?). Tomorrow is my first day, and I am super nervous, anxious, and a teeny bit scared. I haven’t had a job in FOREVER. Alright more like 6-7 years. Either way, you get a license in something and apparently you actually have to use it (or so Matt tells me).


I may die. I am pretty sure that is a solid possibility. Death during orientation. Let’s be sure that gets put in my obituary should this come to fruition. If I don’t die tomorrow then I will have to keep going back. Matt will love that!

Here is what I need from you – Wish me luck that I don’t die tomorrow, or embarrass myself, or start talking/rambling. Let’s hope I can either be quiet or just fit in for the orientation week. Either way just wish me luck and I’ll update tomorrow evening on how the day went and if I did or did not die.

Hurricanes and Life Altering Tests


So it’s been a super busy week-ish. My week is probably more like everyone else’s 2 weeks. I never have any actual idea of time for normal people so we will say its been a busy week. No one walks around saying “Gosh Linda, I have had the most ridiculous 18 days in history”. A week just sounds better.

So this last week has been filled with studying like a crazed person for this life defining test and getting ready for that massive hurricane that just stopped by over the last couple of days. We will start with the studying… I have completed 3,427 (exactly) prep questions for this massive test that no one knows exactly will be on it. RIGHT! Sounds fabulous, and super easy to study for, said no one ever. This test is the make it or break it of all nurses and determines if you will practice or not. So, about 1 million, five hundred and forty-two questions later I think I might be ready enough to go and sit for this exam and still fail. WooHoo!!

The Hurricane during the studying. So we have this hurricane coming and now I need supplies. In other words I need lots of Raspberry Zinger Tea, pumpkin spice donuts, and almonds. Matt needs coffee (a specific super special kind) and creamer. The tiny needs milk and probably something random he will decide upon in the midst of the storm just to be sure we can’t buy it ahead of time to prevent the giant meltdown I am sure he has premeditated just for my viewing pleasure. So, I get all of the above supplies minus the random unknown item and add in other random things to prevent the meltdown like Gatorade, water, chocolate syrup for the milk, and cheetos. I also purchased a million candles because I am not dumb enough to think i’ll keep power nor am I dumb enough to want to sit in the dark all night with a toddler. We are now ready to weather any storm!

The day before the storm: TEST DAY! We stayed in the hotel the night before, and I walk in not one bit prepared to take this test on Saturday at 0800. I walk out again at 1000 and I am 100% sure I have failed in 75 questions (which is the minimum, 265 is the max). FUCKING FABULOUS! Let’s go home and deal with the hurricane that is coming!

Hurricane synopsis: We ate all the hurricane food. Lost power during the day and regained it in the evening. There was no damage to the house or vehicles. No meltdowns occurred because we let the toddler eat all of the melting ice cream all day. Ice cream for the win!

Test Synopsis: I was still sure I failed. Cried a bit. Waited from Saturday at 1000 to Monday at 1300 and paid $7 for early results (because the people aren’t in to put up the results due to the hurricane), and I PASSED!!!!! That’s right, I am officially a NURSE!!!

The moral of the story: I am honestly not sure right now, but I’m a legit NURSE!

Paying to Feel Poor


Who pays to feel poor? This girl! Who vacations in a cabin without a stove/oven, a scary bathroom that the little doesn’t want to use, and walls that aren’t finished? That’s right, this girl. This was a vacation that will not soon be forgotten. Let me show you what I mean.

IMG_3402Scary bathroom IMG_3404stoveless kitchen IMG_3403Unfinished walls IMG_3405Master “bedroom”IMG_34082nd bedroom

See what I mean? I am also 100% sure the electrical was not up to code and that goodness we didn’t all go up in flames.

I know you noticed the microwave on one of the bedroom floors. Why? because there was no three prong plugs anywhere in the “cabin” besides the bathroom and that bedroom. Yay for microwaving in the bedroom, because no one wants to microwave in the bathroom right? Although this would be handy to make popcorn while pooing to cover the noise and smell (Thank you Amanda for that little contribution to this blog!

Also, who doesn’t have a stove? How do you cook? Okay so there was a hot plate that only worked on half of it so you could kind of cook as long as you only wanted half of it cooked in its entirety.

Oh!! I almost forgot! The shower…wait for it….while showering eat time I had to holler for the husband to come plunge the toilet so that the water would drain and not flood the bathroom. Sounds like fun right? Poor husband couldn’t go very far when I was showering so he could be on call for the mid-shower plunge.

It was a disaster. In essence I totally paid a whole bunch of money to feel poor.

Messed up


Conversation with Matt from 5 minutes ago at the gas station in someplace in Michigan:

Matt: I got you this French vanilla cappuccino, and if you don't like it I got you this.

Me: What if I do like the French vanilla?

Matt: Then you can have both.

Me: Okay, cause you made it sound like I could only have it if I hated the French vanilla (which we both know I like).

Matt: Nope, try it.

Me: (happily takes a sip knowing I can have both cups) Oh! It's pumpkin spice!

Matt: Stares at me like I'm dumb

Me: isn't it? (Hath my taste buds deceived me? Is that possible? Am I wrong? No!)

Matt: (Smiles) Yep, pumpkin spice!

Who the hell does that to someone?



Dear blog,

I know I'm an asshole and totally flaked for the last year. Buuuut I need to start taking notes on my life again so, tag you're it!

Boobs Should Get Their Own Chapter!


Why on earth would anyone not give boobs their own chapter? I mean seriously, they are a big deal. Am I the only one who thinks highly of the ta ta’s?

In this lovely book (insert total sarcasm there) I’m reading for my maternal child class, they have lumped the jugs in with the vagina and STI’s. STI is sexually transmitted infection formerly known as sexually transmitted disease. Why the change? I have no fucking clue. I guess they just like to confuse us all with unwanted changes. Anywho, back to my point here.

The dirty pillows should not be placed in with infections. They are sacred people! We cannot expect this greatness to only be covered in a few pages which only list the things that could possibly go wrong with the fun bags. This is a crying shame.

I may need to write a strongly worded letter to the authors.

That’s the update for the moment,


P.S. – My book also states that: Anal-genital intercourse, anal-oral contact, and anal-digital activity are high risk sexual behaviors and should be avoided. IN THE SAME chapter as the sweater stretchers. You’re welcome for that little tid bit.

The Pharmacy Guy


As I was sitting here all gloom and doom about the horrible weather I started recapping the week in my head. While reviewing I stumbled upon the most fucked up thing that has happened to me in the past week and thought I would share. My mind is still saying WTF?!?!?!

A little back story here. There is a guy who works in the pharmacy and I am 100% sure he hated me because I get a little crazy about my pills when I go in. He used to run into the back when he would see me coming. Then about 2 months ago his kid got put into my kids class at the school. BAM, now he wants to be nice and chat with me. Good freaking lord, make the insanity stop.

Now here is this weeks pharmacy experience. I go in to pick up prescriptions for the tiny child who has bronchitis and is pissed because he just had a breathing treatment (because breathing is  a problem without the smoking machine I am trying to hold by his face as he screams and fights me) and there is the pharmacy guy. Of course, of course, he calls me up to the counter at his spot now that we are playing nice. What is the first thing he says to me? “So, I googled you!”.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! I think my eyes about popped out of my head when he said this. For one, this is not a good opener for any conversation. For two, you are a stalker. For three, WTF? I just stood there staring at him and I think I made him uncomfortable because then he starts babbling about how he was trying to figure out if I am a nurse, doctor, etc, and how he’s not a stalker. AGAIN, WTF?

Still, I am just staring at him at a total loss for words. Then, Then he says he saw I was going to college and wanted to know what I was studying! At this point my words came back to tell him that was weird and yes, very stalker-ish. What else do you say to your self-proclaimed stalker? Thank you? That’s such a lovely notion, I should make you aware I love tea sets from foreign countries and Blueberry vodka and lemonades just in case google didn’t tell you?

I am truly not sure if I should be flattered he would use my private information in the pharmacy database to google me and look at my Facebook or if I should be concerned. Then again concern seems appropriate because he had to tell me that he was stalking me. That right there proves he’s a bit crazy and wanted to make me aware that he is stalking me so he can have credit for all of his hard work in playing super sleuth.

Don’t worry, I googled me too and didn’t see anything really interesting or damning, but that’s definitely not the point! Oh, and I have to go back by the pharmacy again to pick up MY pills! Wish me luck.

The Baddest Blogger in Town



I should not be allowed to blog!! I am so sorry my blog for letting you down. For finding myself too busy and neglecting you. I am the worst blogger ever. I have recently found myself so overwhelmed with school, kids, illness (mental and physical), and a deployed husband I haven’t had the time to properly devote to you. Please accept my most heartfelt apologies. I promise I will make it up to you.