This Shit Ain’t so Bad

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Hey all! So the medication vacation didn’t work and here is what I have realized. Dun-Dun-Dun-Dun-Dun I am going through a depressive phase! I mean who the hell knew? I sure didn’t.

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You never realize when your highs are SUPER high and your lows make you not want to exist what it would actually feel like to have normal people depression. Now don’t take that the wrong way, depression sucks and I’m not saying it’s not horrible for normal people. All I am saying is that this shit ain’t so bad for me compared to what I have previously experienced.

Things suck, life blows, there is no way out, and I am a total buzz kill right now but this shit ain’t so bad. I didn’t even know I was depressed until my therapist and shrink both told me that’s what this thing I couldn’t really describe was. So this is new and notable.

What was depression like before you ask? It was hell. Pure and utter hell. All I did was cry on my couch. I couldn’t leave my house, didn’t get dressed, didn’t shower. My OCD went absolutely wild and I had to clean everything absolutely spotless if I wasn’t paralyzed by the utter misery in my mind. I would ruminate on one topic for hours making myself more upset and finding no answers or solutions. I truly wanted to not exist (like ever). I didn’t think about suicide, I just wished I had never been born. The pit was bottomless.

Thankfully I only hit a depression once a year or so and spent most of my time being manic. Weeeeeeeeee! So this is absolutely new, and kind of interesting to my analytical little brain. I am not broken like I thought I was, I am just depressed. That’s extremely exciting news. I totally thought I was broken. Yay, not broken forever!

So as I was saying, This Shit Ain’t so Bad!

P.S. – Google “not so bad”.

P.P.S – here are some of the images it came up with for me.

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Is it Joe? Is it? Spinach salad can be quite delicious but so are donuts dammit.

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This totally made me laugh and made my day! I still have not been able to solve the cube without taking off the stickers and replacing them. Winning!

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My chart would just be a big circle of what you find. So put that fucking wedge back in there with the rest of my surprises. No one likes to get short changed on surprises.

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Who the hell is Kathy?

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Is this a thing? Why does he look so awful about being naked? What is the purpose of your face?

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How is this not so bad? That dog looks like he would love to hear me dropping some people food on the floor.

Vacation Schmacation

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Update:

Started the medication vacation the day I wrote the posting about doing it (No, I have no clue what day that was and I’m too lazy to look). Nothing has changed. My life is still just as crazy and not a bit funner. It’s an absolute shame and sham. What happened to the good old days when a person could just stop meds and be happy, crazy, and carefree? Bah-Hum-Bug.

I have never been a Christmas person so this hasn’t changed either. Just a couple days until this horrible time of year is over and life goes back to normal. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas if you’re into that kind of thing.

P.S. – Yes my house still celebrates the holidays because kids.

The Pharmacy Guy

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As I was sitting here all gloom and doom about the horrible weather I started recapping the week in my head. While reviewing I stumbled upon the most fucked up thing that has happened to me in the past week and thought I would share. My mind is still saying WTF?!?!?!

A little back story here. There is a guy who works in the pharmacy and I am 100% sure he hated me because I get a little crazy about my pills when I go in. He used to run into the back when he would see me coming. Then about 2 months ago his kid got put into my kids class at the school. BAM, now he wants to be nice and chat with me. Good freaking lord, make the insanity stop.

Now here is this weeks pharmacy experience. I go in to pick up prescriptions for the tiny child who has bronchitis and is pissed because he just had a breathing treatment (because breathing is  a problem without the smoking machine I am trying to hold by his face as he screams and fights me) and there is the pharmacy guy. Of course, of course, he calls me up to the counter at his spot now that we are playing nice. What is the first thing he says to me? “So, I googled you!”.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! I think my eyes about popped out of my head when he said this. For one, this is not a good opener for any conversation. For two, you are a stalker. For three, WTF? I just stood there staring at him and I think I made him uncomfortable because then he starts babbling about how he was trying to figure out if I am a nurse, doctor, etc, and how he’s not a stalker. AGAIN, WTF?

Still, I am just staring at him at a total loss for words. Then, Then he says he saw I was going to college and wanted to know what I was studying! At this point my words came back to tell him that was weird and yes, very stalker-ish. What else do you say to your self-proclaimed stalker? Thank you? That’s such a lovely notion, I should make you aware I love tea sets from foreign countries and Blueberry vodka and lemonades just in case google didn’t tell you?

I am truly not sure if I should be flattered he would use my private information in the pharmacy database to google me and look at my Facebook or if I should be concerned. Then again concern seems appropriate because he had to tell me that he was stalking me. That right there proves he’s a bit crazy and wanted to make me aware that he is stalking me so he can have credit for all of his hard work in playing super sleuth.

Don’t worry, I googled me too and didn’t see anything really interesting or damning, but that’s definitely not the point! Oh, and I have to go back by the pharmacy again to pick up MY pills! Wish me luck.

A Vacation of Sorts

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Well, it’s that time of year where I am finally on Christmas break from school!!! A very much needed break from the stress, tests, and dark-thirty clinicals.

So Racheal, what are you going to do on this break? I am so glad you asked. I am contemplating a medication vacation. I am very careful about my meds while school is in, but I miss myself. I miss the creativity, the humor, and  all the things that are me. The real me.

If you are wondering what a medication vacation is it’s a span of time when a person doesn’t take their medications. Now this is the part where you say you don’t think this is a very good idea (Don’t worry my therapist said the same). And this is where I say “You’re not the boss of me.”

 

Now that my mind has been made up I am going to take a couple days to just be myself and actually like myself again without all the stress. Except the being a single parent with a deployed spouse, having a 3 year old who is testing my limits, a 13 year old who has nothing but attitude and back talk, and an uncle who just moved it because there were no other options. Nothing major or super stressful, right? I need a break.

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Maybe with this break I can regain my sense of self and get a better handle on things. I hate being the Debbie-Downer, but with the husband gone for 8 months so far I am losing my sanity. Or am I? Maybe its more apt to say I’m losing my happy insanity. I’m losing my charm and charisma, and my happy has been missing for months. This isn’t like me and I don’t like who I’m becoming.

Back to the actual point. I am packing my bags full of medications so I can take this long awaited medication vacation. The bags being packed full of meds is for when the insanity gets to be too much. This always happens, I take the vacation and have fun for a few days until it gets to be too much and I start taking all of the pills again. 4 days til things get a bit overly crazy. 6 days til the hallucinations start. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe I will get a little bit more time. Lord knows I will start blogging more often during this vacation. Watch out blog, here we go.

Immodiu, Ibruprofen, Clarityn, Sudofed, Paracetemol, Nurofen, Rennies, Diareze... - 'What are you doing?' - 'Packing for my holiday to Egypt.' - 'How ill are you planning on being, exactly?' - 'Ah, that reminds me... can I borrow a bucket from you for a

The Baddest Blogger in Town

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sorrycat

I should not be allowed to blog!! I am so sorry my blog for letting you down. For finding myself too busy and neglecting you. I am the worst blogger ever. I have recently found myself so overwhelmed with school, kids, illness (mental and physical), and a deployed husband I haven’t had the time to properly devote to you. Please accept my most heartfelt apologies. I promise I will make it up to you.

Love,

Racheal

Blood Lube

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Do not, for any reason, tell a professor that a blood thinner is blood lube. This will not bode well.

How do I know? Because I’m the one who said it. OF COURSE!!! Leave it to me to come up with some shit like that. After I said it, she looked at me and said what was that? I looked like a deer in the headlights. Then she asked me to say it again. So, of course I had to repeat my own idiocy.

Yes, Professor, I said blood lube. To which I get the look like I am retarded and she says “That’s a new one”. Please let me just die now. Let the teacher forget. I swear I am not a complete ass with no brain cells.

So again, do not use blood lube in lieu of Heparin, Coumadin, or Lovinox. It apparently is not your best option. Just sayin’.

The Hell With This Class.

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Hey y’all!! It’s been awhile since I have posted anything, so here I am. Still alive. Hanging on by a thread, and sure nursing school is going to kill me! With that being said, I’ll admit that right now I am sitting in a lecture and not listening to a word of it. But I look busy!!

Points go to me for looking like I am paying attention. I have found through this first semester that lectures do not help me one single bit. I should be allowed to skip lecture and just be allowed to read the chapters, go to lab, and clinicals. But NOOOOOO for some reason I have to sit here pretending to be listening and interested…. You can imagine how difficult that is for me.

Have I mentioned the fact that every waking minute of my life is currently spent either taking care of children or studying. My favorite lines are “I can’t I’m studying”, “I’m busy studying”, “I wish I could but I need to study” and any other variation of studying you can think of. I eat, sleep, breath, etc. nursing school.

PLEASE HELP!!! Save me from this class!! I am 100% sure I can’t take any more, AND my battery on the computer is about to die!!!!

Okay, after charging when I get home I will update further on what has been going on in this crazy life.

 

Failing the Right Way

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Hi y’all!

Something truly inspiring happened the other day. Okay well inspiring is subjective, let’s just say it inspired this blog posting since it probably wouldn’t inspire much else. I called my Uncle and he said the most interesting thing to me after discussing how nursing school has been going. He said “Racheal, I don’t think you know how to fail”. Now that is absolutely though provoking!

What does that even mean? Is there a guide book on how to successfully fail? or one on how to miserably fail? How does anyone know how to fail? Do people purposefully set out to fail? Why am I not one of these people? Why do you think I don’t know how to fail when I constantly feel like a failure?

So many questions! I will tell you that I honestly don’t think I have succeeded at everything, I am sure I have failed at plenty of things. Haven’t I? I know that I am ambitious and determined. I am the rock that moss doesn’t grow on because I am constantly in motion. I know that I try my hardest at everything I do. When I set my mind on something it becomes absolute. With that being said, I know I have failed. I set my sights too high, I destroy myself to meet my goals, and sometimes I fail the people around me when trying to reach my goal.

My life has not been an accomplished one, I am not special, I have not made a difference. I am not rich, famous, or irreplaceable. I am not the perfect mother or wife. I generally feel like a failure at life, but I still love my life and accept that one person can only do so much when she is medicated. I only have so much time in a day and so much energy to give.

I asked Matt about  me not knowing how to fail and he told me it’s true. How is that even possible? Does he even know me at all? Why am I married to this man? Then he listed all the things I have done since we have been married….and when you look at it like that I have truly been a very busy girl. It was damn exhausting just listening to him list the last 5-ish years of my life. When in the hell do I sleep?

So now you’re wondering what all I have done. Well here goes, I completed 2 years of college in 11 months and 9 of those I was pregnant. I gave birth during my capstone class and was doing my school work in the hospital with a newborn. I did all of the things to get us ready and moved to Germany (it was A LOT of things). I started my own business while in Germany. I took more classes to get into this nursing program while I was still in Germany. I got into this nursing program after lots of headaches trying to meet all the deadlines and requirements. I have maintained a 4.0 up until this point.I have been a parent sometimes a single parent sometimes as a happy family. And last but not least, I got diagnosed and started getting my crazy under control even though my meds made me hate myself in the beginning. Whew, that was exhausting.

There is probably more that he said, but my brain shut off about there. Yes, Matt, I’ve done lots of shit. Does doing a lot of things mean you don’t know how to fail? Does not knowing how to fail mean you can’t fail? I would think not. Everyone is capable of failure right? Everyone fails at something I think. Even if they don’t know how.

I am a failure in many senses in my own eyes, but I think I play the game well enough that it doesn’t seem that way to others. Fake it til you make it people!

So I believe it all boils down to this. As long as you don’t fail at the big things no one will notice your failures. Even if you think you are failing maybe other people don’t. Your ideas of failure may not be equivalent to others. And if you are OCD your expectations of perfection are so high you will always feel like a failure, then your bipolar will kick in and start adding in all of the grandiose ideas and you will forget about being a failure at all because you are sure this brilliant idea will make you a best selling author who is rich and famous!!!

 

Damn you Ulta Girl!

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I’m not sure how many of y’all shop at Ulta, but that place is literally the devil! Not only does it smell like a brothel and completely overwhelm you with the sheer amount of beauty products, but those damned Ulta girls are just the topper on the cake!

Now, let’s remember that I do the beach look to perfection. Tank top, jeans, flip flops, messy hair, and pretty much zero make up. Never ever walk into Ulta with no makeup on or if you are having an “ugly feeling” day. Ulta will not help you in any way.

I have horrible genes and don’t have a single clue what to do with makeup unless you want to look like a street walker. If so, I’d be happy to pencil you into my schedule. So here I am, looking like the perfect beach bum and go traipsing into Ulta for the very first time in my life.

I am immediately knocked off my feet by the amount of counters, racks, shelves, and tables of all kinds of body shit that I have no clue how to use or what they might be for. Side note: I went to Ulta cause my friend Manda said I needed a CC cream in my life immediately. She’s gorgeous so I consider her advice to be solid gold and do as instructed.

 

After regaining my wits I proceed to try to find the brand of cosmetics I’m looking for. About 2 minutes into this process I hear, “Are you finding everything okay?”, and me being me I instantly say “NO” with a hint of panic. When I finally see the face that the voice came from I guarantee my jaw dropped. I am now feeling like I look homeless, here she was the perfect and flawless Ulta Girl. No joke people!

She was about 3 inches taller than me with perfect hair, perfect makeup, the cutest glasses ever, perfect outfit with the accessory jewelry, and amazing boots! Damn you and your perfection. This girl did not even have a single blemish, pimple, or wrinkle to speak of. I immediately hated her. She didn’t even give me a pimple to make me like her. Not one single reason.

Ulta Girl then asked me what I needed and helped me find everything…until we got to the mascara. Why did I have to ask for new mascara? I could have lived with dry clumpy mascara a little longer. Instead I opened my mouth and she had to ask if I wanted it water proof. Me, “I don’t know, probably, does it rain here a lot?”. This then inspires her to ask me where I moved from, the fact that it does rain a lot, her boyfriend is also military and is a PJ (Of fucking course he is!!). PJ’s are those elite guys who jump out of planes to rescue people and shit. Of course Ulta Girl is dating one of those guys, OF COURSE.

Then to top it all off, she is going over how to use the CC cream I came in for and that I could set it with powder if needed (I still don’t know exactly what that means) and here it is, the kicker……..My skin doesn’t look bad. Shut your mouth while you’re ahead Ulta Girl! If you can’t say something nice about my skin you shouldn’t say anything at all, and you should never follow it up by stating you are almost the same age as I am. You bitch!

After this endeavor into Ulta and spending a million dollars to feel like I’m ugly and inept, I have decided it was all Ulta Girl’s fault. She put a wrench in my day to be honest. I literally blamed her for everything. I had some issues with school, it was Ulta Girl’s fault. The baby was cranky, Ulta Girl’s fault. #BlameItOnUltaGirl.

This is actually becoming a regular theme in my life. When someone irritates me it’s Ulta Girl’s fault. There is a girl in my nursing program who is just rude and nasty, we call her Ulta. On twitter my fellow friends who have gone to Ulta recently write me about how they are blaming their Ulta Girl’s for feeling shitty about the way they look or how much money they spent.

Due to Ulta Girl meddling in my life so much Matt feels that he should probably stop by Ulta and meet her or at least see her. Which is fine, go see that meddling heiffer, and buy me something nice from Ulta when you go. Also, I need a picture of her if you can snap a quick one. Thanks Honey, love you! Don’t worry what I need a picture for, just get me one!