Messed up


Conversation with Matt from 5 minutes ago at the gas station in someplace in Michigan:

Matt: I got you this French vanilla cappuccino, and if you don't like it I got you this.

Me: What if I do like the French vanilla?

Matt: Then you can have both.

Me: Okay, cause you made it sound like I could only have it if I hated the French vanilla (which we both know I like).

Matt: Nope, try it.

Me: (happily takes a sip knowing I can have both cups) Oh! It's pumpkin spice!

Matt: Stares at me like I'm dumb

Me: isn't it? (Hath my taste buds deceived me? Is that possible? Am I wrong? No!)

Matt: (Smiles) Yep, pumpkin spice!

Who the hell does that to someone?



Dear blog,

I know I'm an asshole and totally flaked for the last year. Buuuut I need to start taking notes on my life again so, tag you're it!

Boobs Should Get Their Own Chapter!


Why on earth would anyone not give boobs their own chapter? I mean seriously, they are a big deal. Am I the only one who thinks highly of the ta ta’s?

In this lovely book (insert total sarcasm there) I’m reading for my maternal child class, they have lumped the jugs in with the vagina and STI’s. STI is sexually transmitted infection formerly known as sexually transmitted disease. Why the change? I have no fucking clue. I guess they just like to confuse us all with unwanted changes. Anywho, back to my point here.

The dirty pillows should not be placed in with infections. They are sacred people! We cannot expect this greatness to only be covered in a few pages which only list the things that could possibly go wrong with the fun bags. This is a crying shame.

I may need to write a strongly worded letter to the authors.

That’s the update for the moment,


P.S. – My book also states that: Anal-genital intercourse, anal-oral contact, and anal-digital activity are high risk sexual behaviors and should be avoided. IN THE SAME chapter as the sweater stretchers. You’re welcome for that little tid bit.

The Pharmacy Guy


As I was sitting here all gloom and doom about the horrible weather I started recapping the week in my head. While reviewing I stumbled upon the most fucked up thing that has happened to me in the past week and thought I would share. My mind is still saying WTF?!?!?!

A little back story here. There is a guy who works in the pharmacy and I am 100% sure he hated me because I get a little crazy about my pills when I go in. He used to run into the back when he would see me coming. Then about 2 months ago his kid got put into my kids class at the school. BAM, now he wants to be nice and chat with me. Good freaking lord, make the insanity stop.

Now here is this weeks pharmacy experience. I go in to pick up prescriptions for the tiny child who has bronchitis and is pissed because he just had a breathing treatment (because breathing is  a problem without the smoking machine I am trying to hold by his face as he screams and fights me) and there is the pharmacy guy. Of course, of course, he calls me up to the counter at his spot now that we are playing nice. What is the first thing he says to me? “So, I googled you!”.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! I think my eyes about popped out of my head when he said this. For one, this is not a good opener for any conversation. For two, you are a stalker. For three, WTF? I just stood there staring at him and I think I made him uncomfortable because then he starts babbling about how he was trying to figure out if I am a nurse, doctor, etc, and how he’s not a stalker. AGAIN, WTF?

Still, I am just staring at him at a total loss for words. Then, Then he says he saw I was going to college and wanted to know what I was studying! At this point my words came back to tell him that was weird and yes, very stalker-ish. What else do you say to your self-proclaimed stalker? Thank you? That’s such a lovely notion, I should make you aware I love tea sets from foreign countries and Blueberry vodka and lemonades just in case google didn’t tell you?

I am truly not sure if I should be flattered he would use my private information in the pharmacy database to google me and look at my Facebook or if I should be concerned. Then again concern seems appropriate because he had to tell me that he was stalking me. That right there proves he’s a bit crazy and wanted to make me aware that he is stalking me so he can have credit for all of his hard work in playing super sleuth.

Don’t worry, I googled me too and didn’t see anything really interesting or damning, but that’s definitely not the point! Oh, and I have to go back by the pharmacy again to pick up MY pills! Wish me luck.

The Baddest Blogger in Town



I should not be allowed to blog!! I am so sorry my blog for letting you down. For finding myself too busy and neglecting you. I am the worst blogger ever. I have recently found myself so overwhelmed with school, kids, illness (mental and physical), and a deployed husband I haven’t had the time to properly devote to you. Please accept my most heartfelt apologies. I promise I will make it up to you.



Blood Lube


Do not, for any reason, tell a professor that a blood thinner is blood lube. This will not bode well.

How do I know? Because I’m the one who said it. OF COURSE!!! Leave it to me to come up with some shit like that. After I said it, she looked at me and said what was that? I looked like a deer in the headlights. Then she asked me to say it again. So, of course I had to repeat my own idiocy.

Yes, Professor, I said blood lube. To which I get the look like I am retarded and she says “That’s a new one”. Please let me just die now. Let the teacher forget. I swear I am not a complete ass with no brain cells.

So again, do not use blood lube in lieu of Heparin, Coumadin, or Lovinox. It apparently is not your best option. Just sayin’.