Blood Lube


Do not, for any reason, tell a professor that a blood thinner is blood lube. This will not bode well.

How do I know? Because I’m the one who said it. OF COURSE!!! Leave it to me to come up with some shit like that. After I said it, she looked at me and said what was that? I looked like a deer in the headlights. Then she asked me to say it again. So, of course I had to repeat my own idiocy.

Yes, Professor, I said blood lube. To which I get the look like I am retarded and she says “That’s a new one”. Please let me just die now. Let the teacher forget. I swear I am not a complete ass with no brain cells.

So again, do not use blood lube in lieu of Heparin, Coumadin, or Lovinox. It apparently is not your best option. Just sayin’.

The Hell With This Class.


Hey y’all!! It’s been awhile since I have posted anything, so here I am. Still alive. Hanging on by a thread, and sure nursing school is going to kill me! With that being said, I’ll admit that right now I am sitting in a lecture and not listening to a word of it. But I look busy!!

Points go to me for looking like I am paying attention. I have found through this first semester that lectures do not help me one single bit. I should be allowed to skip lecture and just be allowed to read the chapters, go to lab, and clinicals. But NOOOOOO for some reason I have to sit here pretending to be listening and interested…. You can imagine how difficult that is for me.

Have I mentioned the fact that every waking minute of my life is currently spent either taking care of children or studying. My favorite lines are “I can’t I’m studying”, “I’m busy studying”, “I wish I could but I need to study” and any other variation of studying you can think of. I eat, sleep, breath, etc. nursing school.

PLEASE HELP!!! Save me from this class!! I am 100% sure I can’t take any more, AND my battery on the computer is about to die!!!!

Okay, after charging when I get home I will update further on what has been going on in this crazy life.


Failing the Right Way


Hi y’all!

Something truly inspiring happened the other day. Okay well inspiring is subjective, let’s just say it inspired this blog posting since it probably wouldn’t inspire much else. I called my Uncle and he said the most interesting thing to me after discussing how nursing school has been going. He said “Racheal, I don’t think you know how to fail”. Now that is absolutely though provoking!

What does that even mean? Is there a guide book on how to successfully fail? or one on how to miserably fail? How does anyone know how to fail? Do people purposefully set out to fail? Why am I not one of these people? Why do you think I don’t know how to fail when I constantly feel like a failure?

So many questions! I will tell you that I honestly don’t think I have succeeded at everything, I am sure I have failed at plenty of things. Haven’t I? I know that I am ambitious and determined. I am the rock that moss doesn’t grow on because I am constantly in motion. I know that I try my hardest at everything I do. When I set my mind on something it becomes absolute. With that being said, I know I have failed. I set my sights too high, I destroy myself to meet my goals, and sometimes I fail the people around me when trying to reach my goal.

My life has not been an accomplished one, I am not special, I have not made a difference. I am not rich, famous, or irreplaceable. I am not the perfect mother or wife. I generally feel like a failure at life, but I still love my life and accept that one person can only do so much when she is medicated. I only have so much time in a day and so much energy to give.

I asked Matt about  me not knowing how to fail and he told me it’s true. How is that even possible? Does he even know me at all? Why am I married to this man? Then he listed all the things I have done since we have been married….and when you look at it like that I have truly been a very busy girl. It was damn exhausting just listening to him list the last 5-ish years of my life. When in the hell do I sleep?

So now you’re wondering what all I have done. Well here goes, I completed 2 years of college in 11 months and 9 of those I was pregnant. I gave birth during my capstone class and was doing my school work in the hospital with a newborn. I did all of the things to get us ready and moved to Germany (it was A LOT of things). I started my own business while in Germany. I took more classes to get into this nursing program while I was still in Germany. I got into this nursing program after lots of headaches trying to meet all the deadlines and requirements. I have maintained a 4.0 up until this point.I have been a parent sometimes a single parent sometimes as a happy family. And last but not least, I got diagnosed and started getting my crazy under control even though my meds made me hate myself in the beginning. Whew, that was exhausting.

There is probably more that he said, but my brain shut off about there. Yes, Matt, I’ve done lots of shit. Does doing a lot of things mean you don’t know how to fail? Does not knowing how to fail mean you can’t fail? I would think not. Everyone is capable of failure right? Everyone fails at something I think. Even if they don’t know how.

I am a failure in many senses in my own eyes, but I think I play the game well enough that it doesn’t seem that way to others. Fake it til you make it people!

So I believe it all boils down to this. As long as you don’t fail at the big things no one will notice your failures. Even if you think you are failing maybe other people don’t. Your ideas of failure may not be equivalent to others. And if you are OCD your expectations of perfection are so high you will always feel like a failure, then your bipolar will kick in and start adding in all of the grandiose ideas and you will forget about being a failure at all because you are sure this brilliant idea will make you a best selling author who is rich and famous!!!


Damn you Ulta Girl!


I’m not sure how many of y’all shop at Ulta, but that place is literally the devil! Not only does it smell like a brothel and completely overwhelm you with the sheer amount of beauty products, but those damned Ulta girls are just the topper on the cake!

Now, let’s remember that I do the beach look to perfection. Tank top, jeans, flip flops, messy hair, and pretty much zero make up. Never ever walk into Ulta with no makeup on or if you are having an “ugly feeling” day. Ulta will not help you in any way.

I have horrible genes and don’t have a single clue what to do with makeup unless you want to look like a street walker. If so, I’d be happy to pencil you into my schedule. So here I am, looking like the perfect beach bum and go traipsing into Ulta for the very first time in my life.

I am immediately knocked off my feet by the amount of counters, racks, shelves, and tables of all kinds of body shit that I have no clue how to use or what they might be for. Side note: I went to Ulta cause my friend Manda said I needed a CC cream in my life immediately. She’s gorgeous so I consider her advice to be solid gold and do as instructed.


After regaining my wits I proceed to try to find the brand of cosmetics I’m looking for. About 2 minutes into this process I hear, “Are you finding everything okay?”, and me being me I instantly say “NO” with a hint of panic. When I finally see the face that the voice came from I guarantee my jaw dropped. I am now feeling like I look homeless, here she was the perfect and flawless Ulta Girl. No joke people!

She was about 3 inches taller than me with perfect hair, perfect makeup, the cutest glasses ever, perfect outfit with the accessory jewelry, and amazing boots! Damn you and your perfection. This girl did not even have a single blemish, pimple, or wrinkle to speak of. I immediately hated her. She didn’t even give me a pimple to make me like her. Not one single reason.

Ulta Girl then asked me what I needed and helped me find everything…until we got to the mascara. Why did I have to ask for new mascara? I could have lived with dry clumpy mascara a little longer. Instead I opened my mouth and she had to ask if I wanted it water proof. Me, “I don’t know, probably, does it rain here a lot?”. This then inspires her to ask me where I moved from, the fact that it does rain a lot, her boyfriend is also military and is a PJ (Of fucking course he is!!). PJ’s are those elite guys who jump out of planes to rescue people and shit. Of course Ulta Girl is dating one of those guys, OF COURSE.

Then to top it all off, she is going over how to use the CC cream I came in for and that I could set it with powder if needed (I still don’t know exactly what that means) and here it is, the kicker……..My skin doesn’t look bad. Shut your mouth while you’re ahead Ulta Girl! If you can’t say something nice about my skin you shouldn’t say anything at all, and you should never follow it up by stating you are almost the same age as I am. You bitch!

After this endeavor into Ulta and spending a million dollars to feel like I’m ugly and inept, I have decided it was all Ulta Girl’s fault. She put a wrench in my day to be honest. I literally blamed her for everything. I had some issues with school, it was Ulta Girl’s fault. The baby was cranky, Ulta Girl’s fault. #BlameItOnUltaGirl.

This is actually becoming a regular theme in my life. When someone irritates me it’s Ulta Girl’s fault. There is a girl in my nursing program who is just rude and nasty, we call her Ulta. On twitter my fellow friends who have gone to Ulta recently write me about how they are blaming their Ulta Girl’s for feeling shitty about the way they look or how much money they spent.

Due to Ulta Girl meddling in my life so much Matt feels that he should probably stop by Ulta and meet her or at least see her. Which is fine, go see that meddling heiffer, and buy me something nice from Ulta when you go. Also, I need a picture of her if you can snap a quick one. Thanks Honey, love you! Don’t worry what I need a picture for, just get me one!

Deployment Lies


Matt, DO NOT read this blog!

One of my blogger friends recently posted about lies she tells, which you can read the whole posting on her page at In response to her posting I told her that I lie to my husband when he’s deployed.

I have a strict policy of no lying in general, but sometimes you just have to lie. Buffaloschnitzel requested that I do a posting on lies I tell my husband when he is deployed. Now, military wives I know you all do this (and if not something is seriously wrong with you!). These lies are not only for deployments but also TDY’s and Remote tours.

My husband has enough to worry about when he is gone so I don’t feel it’s necessary to add to his stress load. He shouldn’t have to worry about me and the kids when he really needs to worry about himself. So, I lie. Here are some of the lies I tell him during those times.

  1. I’m fine. – He asks me how I am and I can’t help but say I’m fine even when my world is falling apart around me. The kids are being maniacs, everything in the house is breaking, and I am alone. Yes honey, I’m fine.
  2. Yes, I’ve taken my meds. – He asks because he loves me and wants to make sure I’m not falling off the wagon without his adult super vision. When he asks I have to try to think if I have or have not taken them, which sometimes I forget. I suck at adulting and lifeing, but he doesn’t need to worry about my sanity or if I am putting myself in dangerous situations. Yes honey, I have been taking my meds and I appreciate you caring about my well being.
  3. Of course I miss you, but this is what I signed on for. – My soul has been crushed, my best friend is gone, I am bored without him, and I am alone with maniac kids. He needs to know that I love him and support him no matter what.  Telling him how much his lack of presence makes my soul ache doesn’t help him in any way and will only make him feel guilty and sad. Yes honey, I miss you and can’t wait for you to come home. I knew you would be gone for extended amounts of time when I married you.
  4. No, I haven’t done anything crazy or gotten into trouble. – Why does he need to know that I may or may not have done something that almost got me arrested? I only screamed at the people in the pharmacy for fucking up my prescriptions once again. I’m sure that they won’t e-mail you because they already know I’m crazy or I wouldn’t need these pills. Thankfully Security Forces wasn’t called. No honey, I have been on my very best behavior.
  5. The kids have been great! – Who the hell are we kidding? The kids are maniacs and are going to give me a heart attack. They are terrorists in disguise! The big one (well y’all know about that) has issues and may possibly be plotting her next revenge scheme, and the little one climbs shit, screams the house down, and wants to play in the oven. Yes honey, the kids have been great. The wonderful little beings that they are.
  6. I have friends now. – This generally means I spoke to a sales associate somewhere, talked to the person at the door trying to sell me something, or that I have talked on the phone with one of my friends that lives a million miles away. I know he wants me to have “real life friends”, but I don’t have the easiest time with that. Friend dating is the pits and every time I make a friend it’s time to move. Yes honey, I met this lovely girl and we are going to be the bestest friends ever!
  7. I sure have left the house and put on outside clothes! – WTF? Of course I haven’t left the house if I didn’t have to! Outside clothes? Why would I put those on when I can stay here in my cave of wonders in yoga pants or pajama pants and a tank top? We know that I am about to run out of toilet paper, the food supplies are getting low, and I am still refusing to go to the store because it requires outside clothes. Yes honey, I have left the house to do all of the things. I am adulting like a pro!
  8. Skypeing, yes, let’s do that! – OMG, I need to shower, brush my hair, and put on a top that is clean! Please let him give me an hour before he Skypes, or at least 5 minutes! I must move quickly and think clearly, being frantic will surely give me away! He cannot know that I haven’t had the time or the want to take care of myself in a normal people kind of way! Oh shit, I need some makeup to cover all the places on my face I have picked off because then my crazy will show and all the previous lies will be found out! Hi honey, it’s so good to see you! I am so glad you are somewhere that we can Skype. Don’t I look pretty?
  9. (Insert holiday here) was fabulously awesome! – It wasn’t the same because you weren’t here. Said holiday sucked and it was a shit ton of work to pull this shit off. I stayed up all night trying to put shit together while the holiday entity gets credit (Santa, Easter bunny, Tooth Fairy, Illusive fuckers we have to pretend exist). I had to decorate, which is totally beyond me and we should all be happy that the bare minimum was done. Totally ecstatic that you weren’t here to help and let’s be thankful I put up the tree/Easter baskets/money under the pillow with a note/etc. Not to mention those packages you sent from Amazon that I had to wrap. Yes, Honey, the Holiday was great and thank you for sending the packages of gifts.
  10. No, nothing has broken. – Everything has broken, because of course it would! I have now replaced the printer that went up in smoke, I have called the fire department for the Freon leaking refrigerator, I have replaced that damned refrigerator, the A/C broke and we had to wait a couple days for someone to come fix it which cost a million dollars, and I spent two days cutting back trees because there are black widow spiders on the porch from the neighbors jungle of a yard. Yes, all of that happened when he went on a remote tour. Thank god we didn’t die with the refrigerator and deadly spider infestation. No honey, nothing has broken and everything is fine. I have it all under control. I know who to call if something does go wrong.
  11. I’m so glad you’re coming home for mid-tour! – Of course I’m glad to see him, but it crushes us all when he leaves again after only being home for a couple of days. When he comes for this brief visit I don’t even let him unpack his bags because right now he doesn’t live here and I don’t want to even get close to feeling like he’s staying. Please come home and ruin our routine, let us all shower you in our love, and then you go ahead and walk out again. Yes honey, I’m so over joyed you’re coming home to visit. We can’t wait to spend some time with you!
  12. No, I haven’t been drinking. – Why the hell wouldn’t I be drinking? I have 2 kids that I’m single parenting, isn’t that reason enough to drink? Of course I’m on the third bottle of wine and amusing myself on the internet while talking to you as I am trying not to sound inebriated. I am sure I am being successful in fooling him and he doesn’t have any clue I have been drinking regularly and a good deal of our money is going to my booze habit. No honey, I haven’t been drinking the whole time you’ve been gone. Tonight I am just celebrating (insert whatever the reason here).
  13. I am so glad you made a new friend with what’s her name. – What was her name again? I need to look her up on Facebook, make a voodoo doll, wish she gets face herpes, and send her a package of hate glitter (Thank you Manda for that little gem) because she is spending time with my best friend. I am sure she would get the message when she receives my hate glitter filled letter. Yes Honey, I am so glad you have a friend to make the time go by faster.
  14. You’re having a few beers with some of the guys you knew from previous deployments/jobs, that’s so cool you get some down time. – You asshole! I am so glad you are living it up like a single person who gets to hang out with adult people. While here I am dealing with these crazy kids and single parenting. When you get home I am completely taking a vacation so I can have som time out drinking and laughing near a bon fire. Mommy needs a time out. Yes Honey, I am super glad you have friends and can relax a bit. 
  15. Of course I’m not mad. – I am most likely frustrated by the situation and jealous of your freedom and may or may not be mad that you are on a semi-vacation. I mean what sane person wouldn’t want an intriguing jaunt into a foreign place where you can work-out all the time, eat shitty food, drink beer, and never knowing whats going on each minute. I want an adventure with all expenses paid (minus the possible POW status or possible death of course, but I try not to dwell on those possibilities and like to call it an extended vacation). No Honey, I would never be mad at you for doing your job and putting your life on the line for the good of our nation!
  16. The bills are all paid of course. – Did I pay them all? Did I forget one? Did he even give me all the passwords for all the accounts or leave me a list? Probably not. I think I paid them, but I guess I’ll know when things start getting turned off or if I get little pink notices in the mail that instantly create panic because once again my adulting skills have failed to remind me of the important things that I was unaware of because time means nothing to me. Yes Honey, of course all the bills are paid. Why wouldn’t they be?

There are probably a few more lies that I have or will tell my husband, but there are a few for y’all to enjoy! Would you do the same? Have you done the same? You let me know and I’ll keep you all abreast of new lies I will be telling my husband this time he leaves.

Security Camera Stalker



When one has a security camera installed in the house they should remember that their husband may log in to watch at any given moment. Matt has been gone for almost 3 weeks and apparently TDY’s are extremely boring so he likes to watch us doing stuff here in the house. He is like a high tech Peeping Tom.

Matt likes to randomly text while he watches us saying things like “Wash them dishes good”, “Why aren’t you working on your school work? You can’t be doing that from the back porch”,  and “Why is our son sitting on the kitchen island?”. I mean who wouldn’t want to sit on the kitchen island? And why the hell are you asking me what he’s doing up there? I might need to get the little guy his own phone so Matt can ask him why he’s sitting up there, or maybe we should be happy he is sitting and not standing or dancing. Did you think of that Matt?

Our security camera can be watched through our cell phones and tablets, yes, there is an app for that. I never know if he is watching or not at any given moment, which is a little creepy sometimes. I mean, I don’t have anything to hide, but damn who knows what I’m doing? I may have to step up my game to keep him entertained.

Talking about Matt, he is actually on his way home! I couldn’t be more excited and thankfully he can stop watching me on that damned camera. Instead he can just comment in person instead of trying to scare the life out of me with those stalkery texts. I think I should text him one some day when he’s home, “It puts the lotion on its skin” and see if he will do it. This could be a fun game, like Simon Says on camera! Stalker Simon Says.

FYI – Spellcheck says stalkery is not a word, when it totally is. You can also use stalkerish but it’s also not a word according to spellcheck and not as fun as stalkery.

The Big Kid’s Therapist


Hi y’all!  It’s been a minute since I was able to blog, but I finally have time to sit down at the computer and let you know what’s happening in my world.

You cannot trust child psychologists and therapist! I have been trying my hardest to get my oldest child a proper diagnosis and the therapy she needs, yet they only see that I have a diagnosis of my own. Wouldn’t that tell you that I might have some clue as to what mental illness looks like? Why does my diagnosis have anything to do with my child needing help? I have no clue how to get through to this lady.


Instead the kids therapist talks to me like I am 5 and mentally ill, tries to placate me and beat around the bush, and acts like I am the problem and not that my child has her own problems. I asked for a psychological assessment test, got grilled 3 different times as to why I wanted it done, and after requesting it multiple times they finally agreed. Good lord y’all, WTF? You would think they would do it just to prove me wrong (not that I’m wrong at all) if not for any other reason.

This kid has some serious issues but she manipulates everyone and is a damned good liar. I mean, she even has me fooled most of the time. I am 100% sure this child needs meds and a good bout of appropriate therapy tailored to her specific mind. All of us are at our wits end with her after 7 years of all this crazy.

I think when I wasn’t medicated it was easier to deal with because I was as mentally ill as she was so I didn’t think much of it. Now that I am properly medicated it is quite apparent that something is seriously wrong with this picture. She does great at school and with her therapist, but she is a totally different person at home. She tells me how much she hates me and everyone else in this house.

She is constantly punishing (yes, that’s right) all of us in this house for anything we did that she didn’t like or when she thinks one of us has slighted her in any way. The most recent punishment doled out to me came in the form of her stealing a good deal of my jewelry, and she sees nothing wrong with the behavior because she says “I made her do it”!!! How did I make her? This was because I wouldn’t let her have a baby with “Bae” and I was just trying to take away all of her happiness. BTW she is 12 and Bae is 11.


Why yes you should certainly have a baby and this will make your life perfect and happy, which is what she wanted me to say. She wanted me to SUPPORT this action/decision. FUCK NO! That is not by any means solid parenting. What parent would ever support this insane idea of having a baby at 12 years old? Not this one! So apparently my solid parenting meant I needed to be punished by my child and taught a lesson…totally didn’t work. Lesson learned: Do not trust the kid or Bae!

Some days I think it would be easier to handle her rage if I stopped taking my own medication. Don’t worry I know this is a bad idea and it’s not something I am willing to do, but I mean who doesn’t need a break sometimes? How do you get a therapist to believe you when your child is a completely different person in the office than at home? Why does no one else see what is going on here? When I tell her therapist what has happened at home she looks at me like I have Muchhausen by proxy. Which I absolutely do not. I want nothing more than a healthy family to balance myself out. I envy those families with there beautiful normal healthy children.

We just need a diagnosis to get on the right road here, there is no other way for us to get that diagnosis without the test. The therapist will never see what she is under the facade if she doesn’t take this test.

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? How did you deal with it?

50 Flavors of Floor


This week has been one for the books people! It’s not over yet, but damn I think I need a time out. For those who are having a great week, I am not liking you right now.

I have let everything go while I have been plodding away on all this homework. My house is a disaster, but my floors are delicious. I guaran-damn-tee you that my floors are the tastiest in the neighborhood. No, it does not in any way matter that there are only four families in my neighborhood. Mine are the most delicious!


If you have a toddler, you too could have delicious floors…or maybe you already do. This weeks floor flavors are as follows:

Kitchen between the sink and refrigerator – Coffee with a hint of hazelnut creamer

Kitchen near the back porch door – Popcorn

Right in the arch between the dining room and living room – Coconut milkshake

Living room near the chaise lounge part of the couch – Mandarin oranges

Living room rug – Hot dog and mixed fruit cup

My bedroom rug – Tortilla chips (dip not included)

These are the flavors I remember and have witnessed being applied to the flooring. There may be some surprise flavors! You could literally crawl around the house and taste the variety of my delicious floors. My house is like Baskin Robbins sans ice cream. Fifty flavors of floor.

I may quarantine off sections of the floor and label them according to flavor. This way everyone can enjoy the floors. Something like this, with a “menu” of the area.

That’s right, it’s getting classy now! Have to have menus, but no napkins will be provided! Maybe I’ll make a little floor schematic like they have at IKEA which labels the floor flavors as you pass each zone! If I do I will update this posting and show y’all.



Gender Fluid


I keep seeing fun things online today! One of them was gender fluid. Which completely boggled my mind, and not due to the definition of this term. The definition of gender fluid per Urban Dictionary-

Gender Fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days.Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation.
No, I’m not a boy, and I’m not a girl either. I am gender fluid.
When I read gender fluid, I immediately want to go to the store and ask for some.
“Excuse me sir, can I please have your largest bottle of gender fluid?”
“Ma’am, you sure can! Would you like male, female, or half-and-half?”
“I will take an extra large skim female, and a small almond half-and-half for my tea. Thank you very much!”
I am 100% sure this shit will make me awesome and will taste delicious. This is not to say I’m hating on anyone who is described as gender fluid, just that this term sparks a liter of drink-able gender fluid to my mind.
I am one of those people that doesn’t see the point in naming all of the genders or sexual orientations. I think we should stop at species and be happy. You are a dog, you are a cat, your are a human. Good now y’all go do appropriate things for your species. The dog will then go lick itself in a corner, the cat will go terrorize some human, and the human will walk around talking about how bored they are. BAM, classifications done! I see no difference from one person to the next outside of personality. So this leads to a sub category of asshole and non asshole. Look we have just categorized every human, easy peasy.
“Sir can I change my order please?”
“Yes ma’am, what can I do for you?”
“I would like to make that an extra large skim non-asshole female, and a small almond dash of asshole half-and-half please.”
“Ma’am are you sure you want the dash of asshole in that half-and-half?”
“Yes sir, I have to deal with [ Insert coworkers, people, or children here] all day so I am going to need a small dash of asshole in my tea to make it through the day.”
“Yes, ma’am I completely understand and like a bit of asshole in my own coffee each morning.”
I know at least one person who reads this will be offended, but ya know, it’s that dash of asshole. I think when I ask for this at the store I will also ask for some blinker fluid for my eyes!
Per Urban Dictionary –
Blinker Fluid is an imaginary liquid used in automobiles (to make the blinkers work). This term is used as a sarcastic remark toward someone who knows absolutely nothing about cars.
Bob: “My car’s broken again. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
Jon: “Did you check the blinker fluid?”

Missing Funny


Dear Readers,

I am in dire need of your assistance. My Funny is missing. I last saw it a couple of days ago prior to bed time. I had fed it, cuddled it, and tucked it into bed with me. The next morning when I woke up it was no where to be found.

I am truly lost, defeated, tired, and a bit stabby without my Funny. It helps me to be witty, have inappropriate comebacks, and to make my life more bearable. I am not sure if it has been kidnapped or if it ran off and left me for a better human. I have not received a ransom note so I am thinking it was not, in fact, kidnapped.

This is where I imagine my Funny would go…

I have checked the couch, the bed, the refrigerator, the back porch, the bathroom, and the bottom of several bottles of World’s Best Damned Root Beer. To no avail. Those bottles only had Cleany, Organizey, and Tiredy in the bottoms which were not at all helpful. All they wanted to do was clean and sleep instead of helping me to search for Funny. I am thinking it’s not here in the house at all.

I know I don’t appreciate my Funny often enough until it has gone missing. Sometimes for hours and other times for weeks. This periodic missing-ness does wonders for our relationship when Funny does come home, but I am about hopeless without it.

Right now while I’m sitting here writing this Funny is probably out having a party with the other missing funny’s, having cocktails and telling stories about the hysterical things they did when they were at home. Living it up, probably snorting some illegal drugs while discussing how long they will be gone. You live it up Funny, cause once you come home we are going to have a long talk about our relationship and how inappropriate it is for you to leave without even leaving me a damned note!

Now, if any of y’all come across my Funny at the local bar or making prank calls to your homes, you go ahead and send it home. It is not allowed to continually have fun without me, dammit! We belong together like cheese and mayo, shrimp and cocktail sauce, cucumber and martini’s, you get the picture.

So if any of you see or hear from my missing Funny, please send it home. I miss my Funny something awful. Thanks for your help in bringing funny home.